(As a side note, that confidence was fleeting, but I did have those thoughts on occasion.)
In a Flash, that first born baby boy grew up and with every year that flew by, he needed me less and less. It seemed as though my superhero strength was weakening. Like Thor without his hammer, Tony Stark without his suit or Captain America without his shield, I too, felt weak. My need to be needed was my kryptonite.
I know, I know, it’s normal, but that doesn’t make my mortal heart hurt any less. The inevitable is happening and it’s hard, I mean, it’s really really hard. My Spidey-Senses were alerting me to danger and I often wondered to myself if other moms struggle this bad? Like Mantis, my emotional antennae are up and are super sensitive to all the signs of no longer being needed.
Here are just a couple of my most recent signs.
I was walking into the grocery store recently holding both my son and my daughter’s hand. The parking lot of the store is quite busy, so even though they are 6 and 9, I wanted to keep them close to me to ensure their safety. Everything was normal until three high school boys walked out of the store and when my son saw them, he immediately let go of my hand and stepped away from me, as if he was embarrassed. Okay, if I’m being honest, he WAS embarrassed. The weird thing is, I totally get it. What 9 year old boy wants to be caught holding his mom’s hand? I’d be lying though, if I said that my feelings weren’t hurt. It’s a weird thing to know that just your existence alone has the capacity to embarrass someone. I guess it’s my new superpower. Super Mom with the power to embarrass by simply, existing.
I was at the public pool with all of my kids, which is a place that my son loves to go. However, on this particular day, he was just standing around, almost mopey, and when I came up to him and asked him what was wrong, he said, “I don’t have anyone to play with. No one’s here and it’s boring.” Obviously offended and a bit defensive, I said back to him, “Um, I’m right here”....visibly willing to play with him and he said to me, “it’s different when it’s your mom.” Once again, Super Mom, with the power to suppress any level of fun.
Here’s the thing, I was there. Willing to play..in the cold ass water..at a public pool. Wildly uncomfortable in my mom-skirt swimsuit, and you are moping around like a sad puppy because he has no one to play with. Are you kidding me? He used to beg me to play with him and now I’m (essentially) begging to play with him. Like in any superhero movie, the tables can suddenly turn and it has. Parenting is so weird.
Now, I’m not trying to tear down my parents, but it was on a pretty rare occasion that they were begging to play with me. I mean, my needs were 100% met, but, maybe that’s why I’m getting my feelings hurt so bad, I feel like I try so freaking hard. Super Mom with the power to throw one hell of a pity party.
Long gone are the days of Thomas The Train and Lightning McQueen and now we are onto Marvel and Star Wars. And, speaking of Marvel, I have a confession to make. I had not seen any of the Marvel movies, so I asked my son to rewatch them with me as just a fun thing to do, when in reality, it was my sneaky Loki way of manipulating him and literally tricking him into spending time with me. I wanted to have something to talk about with him. I wanted a way to connect with him. Super Mom, desperately trying to salvage a relationship with my son and trying to slow down time, but to no avail. Time is the ultimate foe and no amount of infinity stones is going to help me prevail.
The most recent movie we watched was Thor Ragnarok. Thor’s hammer was broken into pieces by his sister who was banished by their father for wanting ultimate control of Asgard, and I digress, but the point is, when Thor had a conversation with his father, he was reminded that his hammer was only an avenue for his actual power and that he didn’t really need it. His power was to be found within himself as long as he believed it.
Hmm, now I realize how ridiculous it might seem to draw parenting parallels from Marvel movies, BUT, maybe Thor’s dad is onto something. Maybe as moms we don’t recognize the super powers we have within ourselves and although it looks very different than it did when they were babies, our super powers remain intact. Maybe they do still need us, but in a very different capacity. Not a single soul in all the cosmos are going to love our children the way that we do.
Super Moms, with the power to love when their children are unlovable, the power to care when they are careless, and the power to support when they don’t support you back. We give it our all and don’t give up. Our ultimate and undefeatable super power.
A wise man by the name of Nick Fury once said, “I still believe in heroes,” and even though we moms often don’t feel like it, it just might be exactly what we are.
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