My interest in this workshop did not come out of my own extensive clinical research on perfectionism and perfectionistic traits, but more so, the frequency of this as a presenting issue in students seeking counseling services. I will admit though, it is often not until students are in an overwhelming level of distress, before they sought out counseling services. A true testament to the level of perfection that each was experiencing and the challenge in admitting that they needed help.
I’m going to define perfectionism for you, but please keep in mind, the way perfectionism impacts each person is going to be uniquely defined and dependent on each person’s personal experiences. Where these traits come from and how they play out in each person’s life will vary greatly. Perfectionism, according to Webster's dictionary, is defined as a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable.
As a counselor in a small college, perfectionism looks a little more like this….
*The nursing student who is so consumed by the 77% test average, that when they don’t meet that percentage criteria, they second guess their chosen professional identity. This is the student who identifies so strongly with grades that they can’t see that their profession requires much more than just a certain GPA.
**The football player who has identified so strongly with being an athlete that they give themselves no option other than playing for all four years of college even though their minds and bodies are done. This is the student who feels that love for him is conditional and dependent on participation.
***The ARTS student who feels that saying no is not an option and if they aren’t saying yes to everyone then they are disappointing everyone. This is the student that is so over committed to everything that they can’t understand why everyone wouldn’t forego their own needs for the betterment of themselves and the ARTS program.
As different as these student experiences are, the inherent feelings of inadequacy in self and others are all painfully similar.
Perfectionism in and of itself, isn’t necessarily always a bad thing, and in fact, these types of traits are the basis for many, very successful people, however, it is important to consider at what level and ultimately, at what cost? Perfectionists tend to be high achievers, but, it is important to note that high achievers have a very different mindset than over achievers. Researchers on the topic of perfectionism make the distinction between perfectionists that are high achieving and adaptive versus overachieving and maladaptive. Adaptive perfectionists understand the value in learning as a process and that mistakes are ultimately part of that process, which allows for continued engagement. Maladaptive perfectionists tend to set unrealistic goals and feel a sense of failure when they don’t achieve them, which leads to procrastination and eventual disengagement. Have you ever heard someone say that they can’t start a project if they can’t foresee it going perfectly? “If I can’t do it perfectly, I’m not going to do it at all.”
The Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale is a scale used in determining the level and to what degree, individuals self-report perfectionistic traits and are categorized as either self oriented, socially prescribed and other oriented perfectionists and are defined below as:
Self-oriented, having an irrational desire to be perfect.
I strive to be as perfect as I can be.
It makes me uneasy to see an error in my work.
I must work to my full potential at all times.
I set very high standards for myself.
Socially prescribed, perceiving excessive expectations from others.
I find it difficult to meet others’ expectations of me.
The people around me expect me to succeed at everything I do.
I feel that people are too demanding of me.
My family expects me to be perfect.
Other-oriented, placing unrealistic standards on others.
I can’t be bothered with people who won’t strive to better themselves.
I cannot stand to see people close to me make mistakes.
If I ask someone to do something, I expect it to be done flawlessly.
Why is perfectionism problematic?
The component of maladaptive perfectionism that is so damaging to self confidence and self worth is that the person is often only using one data point in making generalized determinations of self.
I met with a nursing student that indicated that any test score below a 77% is a failing grade and therefore, that became her sole focus. The generalized statements that she, as a maladaptive perfectionist, would make when a grade fell below that standard was, “I am a failure and I don’t deserve to be a nurse.” Statements such as these put so much emphasis on one test to determine her value as a potential nurse and overall person that she fails to see any other strengths or indicators that she could potentially be quite successful, despite one failed test.
This student is a self prescribed perfectionist. The goal of scoring above a 77% test average isn’t necessarily an unrealistic goal, but the emphasis that she places on it and the unrealistic goal of never falling below that standard, has actually resulted in higher levels of anxiety and made studying and preparation for future exams, even more difficult. The intrusive thoughts of academic inadequacy were so pervasive that she nearly quit the nursing program.
Where does perfectionism originate?
With any disorder or diagnostic symptom, it is important to be able to identify that which you struggle with in order to address it. Are you more of an adaptive or maladaptive perfectionist? Of the three types of maladaptive perfectionists, do you tend to be more self-oriented, socially prescribed or other oriented? If you can identify that, where do you think those traits originated from?
Although researchers believe that there is a possibility of a genetic predisposition for perfectionistic traits, these traits are also fostered through family experiences, many of which where families place a heightened emphasis on achievement. Although it is difficult to specifically pinpoint the origin of these traits, a common denominator is the individual’s response to reinforcement. Learning theorists might suggest that reinforced behaviors strengthen over time and when achievement is reinforced, the perfectionistic tendencies will be strengthened.
I met with a football player who had been playing football since he was 5 years old. His parents were athletes and placed a high value on athletic participation. The student’s parents went to every game and were very proud of the football accomplishments that the student had achieved. The student became so consumed by adhering to his perceived parental standard of athletic success that although he no longer wanted to participate, he felt that he had to in order not to risk disappointing them.
This student is a socially prescribed perfectionist. Although his parents placed value on the student’s athletic participation, it was unknown if they would, indeed, be disappointed by him choosing not to participate. This student made the assumption that they would be disappointed and the narrative that presented in counseling was that he was unworthy of parental love if he was not participating in football. To him, it was as though, that is the only reason that his parents would love him. This student was so consumed by being the perfect athlete, that he had convinced himself that if he wasn’t an athlete, he was nothing. Although it took several weeks for him to gather the courage to discuss his concerns with his parents, he was pleasantly surprised that his parents understood his reasoning for not wanting to participate and although they were sad to see his collegiate career come to and end, they were pleased that he came to them, discussed with them and no longer made his decisions under the false perfectionistic assumption that their love for him was dependent on playing football.
The narrative that plays on repeat in the mind of a perfectionist needs to be challenged. Where these traits originate is highly dependent on experiences, but nonetheless, these experiences often create a narrative that isn’t necessarily true, yet are strengthened over time. As in the aforementioned example, the student convinced himself that love from his parents was dependent on athletic participation, and through some incredibly important self-disclosures and dialogue with his parents, it was determined that his narrative needed to be changed, which is understandably difficult, because it’s difficult to unlearn what we learned about ourselves over the course of our lifetime.
Researchers are also studying the effects of social media and how it correlates with increased levels of perfectionism. An article from The Guardian explained it well. “Perfectionism can allow us to aim high and achieve great things. However, perfectionists are doomed to failure, because we set ourselves standards that are not attainable for humans. We will never meet our goals, to the detriment of our mental health and wellbeing. When we go online, we’re surrounded by platforms that appear to be full of other people meeting these goals. Intellectually, we know it’s all a lovely lie, but emotionally it’s a struggle. Feelings seem like facts.”
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/jan/05/perfectionism-mental-health-millennial-social-media
I don’t think that there is any argument that the presence of social media correlates with higher levels of self identified perfectionism. Specifically, what our students post on social media highlights their achievements, and rightfully so, but when the struggles or the process in which those achievements aren’t posted, it continues to perpetuate the false narrative that everyone else is perfect and I’m not.
What do we do if we struggle with perfectionism?
When setting goals, students need to keep in mind that they need to be set within ability and within reason. What we, as parents or counselors, should be doing is encouraging students to be achievement striving (not perfection striving) and just generally striving to do well. However, understanding that it is impossible to do well all the time and to have some grace for ourselves and others when mistakes happen.
I met with an ARTS student who, quite literally, had next to no down time. Even when I accessed his Google Calendar in order for me to look at available times for us to meet for counseling, there were very few hours not only in his day, but in his entire week. This student, in particular, thrives on busyness and has a difficult time understanding how other students can’t “keep up,” the way that he can. He says yes to everything and thrives on making everyone else happy. He was an ARTS workstudy, participated in band, choir, and all of the theatre productions. Additionally, he was taking more than full time credits, an internship and part-time job.
This student is an other oriented perfectionist. Of course he had his own perfectionistic tendencies, but what sets this student apart, is that he, equally, had unrealistically high expectations of others. Because this student can manage the schedule that he had, he would then expect that everyone else could manage it, which is absolutely not true. What one can do, varies greatly from one person to the next and expectations and empathy should be adjusted accordingly.
In the book, Pushing Back on Perfectionism: How to Be Happily Imperfect, Dr. Jessica Pryor recommends the following to help people address maladaptive perfectionism.
Remember: Perfectionism is an “absolute illusion,” which is fed by a lifetime of distorted messages that perfection is possible.
Break goals into bite-size pieces to make things more manageable and as a reminder to celebrate each accomplishment, no matter how small.
Interrupt the self-critical voice in your head and replace it with a positive statement or redirection to more constructive thinking.
Do something positive for yourself like pausing when you’re stressed out and embracing relaxing practices.
Use a mantra that provides positive reinforcement that you are enough.
Recognize it may be in your genes—a fact supported by research and which can inhibit the self-blame game.
Reach out to a professional to get the help you need.
Stick with therapy, especially and even when it’s time to get real.
Recognize that you are modeling behavior for others and help those who are watching you to adopt these healthy strategies, too.
https://www.rtor.org/2019/10/14/how-to-navigate-college-and-combat-unhealthy-perfectionism/
I have a daughter who is 6 and is in Kindergarten this year. At our first parent teacher conference, her teacher indicated that our daughter has a difficult time if her art or her assignments aren’t perfect. I had an inkling that they were going to say something to the matter because at home, at any point that her art didn’t turn out the way she wanted it to, she would get frustrated, throw it away and want to start over. Her teacher also said that my daughter always asked for the teacher to spell words for her on her assignments, whereas her teacher wanted her to sound out her words and spell herself, even if it ended up being spelled wrong. For the teacher, it was more about teaching the process of trying to sound it out, making mistakes and learning from it. I would be completely lying if I didn’t say that I understood this. I remember re-writing pages of notes in college, not because it helped me with recall, but because my handwriting didn’t look good.
In order for her to learn, we had to force her into the discomfort of making artistic and spelling mistakes and then learning from it. We had to force her into the discomfort of “coloring over” a mistake in her art or finishing her artwork even if it wasn’t perfect, because if perfection is her only goal, we were setting her up for an eternal sense of inadequacy.
I know that something must have sunk in, because only a few weeks ago, my husband, daughter and I were all in our basement, when my husband accidentally spilled a half gallon of white paint all over the floor, wall and pretty much anything in the vicinity. One particular victim of this spill was a black storage bag that held some old posters, art, etc. It initially startled, then frustrated me, but then my daughter told my husband that it was okay that he did that because her teacher says that mistakes are beautiful and she noted that the bag looked much more beautiful with the white paint on it. I’m not sure that I entirely agreed with her, but it was a great opportunity for her to see that mistakes are indeed, okay, necessary and further taught us that we shouldn’t strive for perfection.
I want students to be able to evaluate their lives and their goals from a realistic lens. From a lens that allows them to balance the benefits of achievement but the necessity of imperfection. What is worth it and what isn’t. I want them to recognize their strengths, but at the same time, acknowledge and accept that they too, have areas of growth. I want them to be able to compliment themselves and others for successes and to understand that success isn’t always a competition. Be happy for the success of others, have empathy for those who are imperfect and lastly, understand that imperfections are a part of humanity. Be forgiving of yourself and others and move on. Don’t dwell in imperfections and render yourself paralyzed from growth and future success.
The following is a short list of questions to help you identify if you struggle with perfectionism. If you have any further interest in the more extensive Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale, you can reference the website listed below.
Do you worry about what others will think if they saw who you really are?
Do you feel as though the better you do, the better you are expected to do?
Do you put off starting or finishing projects, wanting to get them just right?
Do you find that you are never satisfied with your accomplishments?
Does your family/partner expect you to be perfect?
Do you push people away in order to avoid rejection?
Do you feel that something only counts if it’s done perfectly?
Does failure raise your expectations of yourself even higher?
Do you “collect” your failures and mistakes in a mental archive?
Do you feel that others are too demanding of you?
Are you highly self-critical?
Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale:
https://www.idrlabs.com/multidimensional-perfectionism/test.php
