Liar Liar Pants on Fire

Have you ever seen those absolutely adorable videos of children who are caught in a lie? The ones who have chocolate smear all over their face, but deny having eaten any of it, or videos of children who have marker or god forbid, paint, all over their body or maybe even the wall, but deny having used it?  Their big adorable eyes and sweet demeanor melts us as parents and we find their Pinocchio worthy performances as cute and comical.  

The question I propose is…..at what age does lying elicit less hilarity and humor and more concern and consequence? At what age do we stop thinking their dishonesty is a harmless way of avoiding consequence and has actually turned into a harmful inability to accept accountability. Dare I be so bold as to say it is cause for concern at any age? Is that going too far?  Maybe it is, BUT, once you learn something, it’s hard to unlearn it.  And, if you learn that lying works to avoid consequences, you’ll continue to do it until it doesn’t work, right? 

Before you answer that, let’s consider for a moment the world that we live in today. Where lies are as abundant as the autumn harvest.  So abundant, in fact, that we wonder if anyone is ever really telling us the truth.  We live in a world of “catfishing” and “fake news.”  A world where it is assumed that we are provided with misinformation, that is unless we “do our own research,” right? 

In all honesty...we are living in a world where lying is actually more reinforcing than telling the truth, and to reference the wildly overused quote from Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men, we, “can’t handle the truth.”  We literally can’t, especially if it doesn’t match the narrative that we want to believe.  We aren’t looking for truths, per se, we are often looking for the answers we want to hear. 

So, you may be wondering, why do I write about this?  Why do I care? Well, I care because my 7 year old daughter just lied to me.  

I’ll set the scene. 

Me to Daughter: “It’s about time to leave for school.  Have you brushed your teeth yet?” 

Daughter to Me: (Without looking away from TV) “Yes.” 

Me: (Internal dialogue thinking that I never saw my daughter go to the bathroom to brush teeth, so I go to bathroom where toothbrush is still in drawer and is not wet at all from water and/or toothpaste, and realizes daughter is lying to me.) 

Me to Daughter: “Hey, I just want to make sure that you definitely brushed your teeth, right?” 

Daughter to Me: (Still without looking away from TV) “Yes.” 

Me to Daughter: “Okay, I just wanted to make sure, so I’m going to go check the toothbrush in the bathroom and I’m certain that your toothbrush is going to be wet from you having just used it to brush your teeth this morning.” 

Daughter: (Seemingly instant regret as she follows me into the bathroom.) 

Me: (I pull the dry toothbrush out of the drawer and daughter instantly stares at the ground.) 

Me to Daughter: “Do you have anything you’d like to tell me?” 

Daughter to Me: “I, I , I just forgot.”  

Me to Daughter: “Don’t do that, don’t lie to me again.  I need you to tell me the truth.”  

End Scene 

This whole lying debacle resulted in my daughter getting a pretty significant consequence, and rightfully so. I didn’t just ask her once, I didn’t just ask her twice.  In the prophetic words of David Rose, “I asked her thrice.” 

Now, you may think that I am making a mountain out of a molehill.  I mean, it’s only a little white lie, right.  A mere fib, perhaps?  However, too many white lies and my daughter’s teeth will eventually turn yellow. 

In my opinion, (which I know holds zero bearing on anyone else’s, but) I believe we have to address them ALL.  Yes, all of them, and I’d like to go a bit further as to WHY and HOW.  

Here’s Why….

1. Unlearning something that we’ve already learned is very difficult, especially if we’ve learned and been reinforced for doing something for years and years.  

2. Teaching our children to be truthful and transparent in their communication is such a helpful tool for success both personally and professionally.  

3. If we can trust our children and they can trust us, I truly hope that we can reduce the tension that often accompanies the super challenging preteen and teenage years.  

Here’s How….

1. Don’t reward the lie.  When we laugh at it or think it’s funny, we are unknowingly rewarding it.  We are giving them positive attention for a negative behavior.  

2. Reinforce honest communication.  There still may be a consequence to lying, but it will be less if they come clean. 

3. If they don’t come clean, let them know what you know to be true and what you need to do to address the situation. (Ex. I know that you did not brush your teeth, even if you aren’t admitting it.  Your toothbrush is dry and it is still in the drawer. Lying to me means that you will receive (said) consequence.) 

4. Don’t set them up for failure and create scenarios where lying is more reinforcing than being honest.  (Yes, I’m talking about those videos where parents are recording their kids with candy in front of them and ask them not to eat it until the parent comes back. The lucky few who have children that actually listen, great, but most kids are going to eat the candy and then lie about it.) 

5. Practice what you preach.  We greatly minimize the impact that our own behavior has on our children.  If you want them to be honest, be honest with them and with others.  

I recognize that this may seem dramatic and I get it, but, consider where we are as a society and how we got there. It has become too easy to say what people want to hear and not what the actual truth is. Like any behavioral issue, it starts somewhere and these little white lies grow up to be tall tales.  

I once read that the phrase “Liar Liar Pants on Fire,” derived from a story where a young boy stole one of his dad’s cigars and took it to a shed to smoke it.  When his dad smelled the smoke, he went out to the shed to see where the smell was coming from.  The boy quickly attempted to hide the lit cigar in his back pocket and his pants caught on fire, thus the meaning behind the phrase made popular by many children today.  

So, in order to prevent parental “fires” caused by lying, let’s throw some water on all the ways in which we, as parents, stoke the flame.  

Merry Chrexcess

We are all aware of the current COVID pandemic and the new variant strains of Delta and Omicron, BUT, has anyone heard of the most recent epidemic…CHREXCESS.      

No?? Well, that’s probably because I just made it up, BUT it is an epidemic and one that I think we need to talk about.  It’s an epidemic that has the greatest impact on our children, but it does affect adults as well.  It’s an epidemic that attacks the rational part of our brains and affects our ability to understand how excessive Christmas has become.  (What’s a holiday blog without a clever word mashup, right?  Christmas and Excess….Meh, I tried.) 

I don’t want to make light of the current pandemic, but I do want to draw attention to this particular topic.  So, here we are.  T minus X days until Christmas.  How many times have you been asked, “Are you ready?”  Pandemic seriousness aside, it’s kinda funny, actually.  We are asked this looming question, “Are you ready,” as if we are preparing for an apocalypse, which, I guess, if apocalypse is defined as widespread destruction or disaster, I guess Christmas could technically be considered apocalyptic.  

Admittedly though, it is a valid question.  As the mother of three, I’m well aware of all the things that I need to be ready for and getting ready for me means SHOPPING and lots of it.  I don’t particularly like shopping either. I’m a minimalist by nature, so that makes this season of spending and splurge even more difficult. Combine that with worldwide supply chain constraints and shipping delays.  If you can believe it, I started shopping for “the big man” clear back in late September to avoid the last minute, super expensive, rushed shipping situation that I fell victim to last year.  

I shop for “us'' meaning, myself and my husband, and although he is literally the most amazing husband and father ever, he only has to concern himself with buying for one person..me..and I don’t personally like excess, so I usually make it very clear to him if there is something that I absolutely need. In addition, my parents are older and my aunt (although she loves to shop) has a hard time knowing what my kids would want, so I shop for them for my kids as well. Ugh, thank goodness Christmas only comes around once a year.  

You get the point, lots of shopping, and lots of presents for my children.  They know it and they very much look forward to it every year, as all children do, but the question I have is:  How much is too much?  At what point does this go from enjoyable to excessive? 

I had a conversation recently with my mom who is all about Christmas excess.  She’s not satisfied unless there is no sight of the living room floor with literally piles of presents.  Don’t get me wrong, the “reason for the season” is not lost on her, but even she would admit that Christmas isn’t Christmas without all the presents. In our conversation, she asked me why I didn’t want to do a cousins exchange among all the grandkids and why I didn’t want to do an exchange with my siblings and their spouses. I responded by saying, “It’s that many more presents that I have to buy and it’s that many more presents for my kids that they don’t need.”  My response was the same for the siblings and spouses exchange. I don’t want to buy more presents and get more presents that I don’t need. It's time spent, money spent and to me, it’s totally unnecessary. 

I knew she was disappointed.  I felt bad saying “no.” I just feel like it creates this unhealthy, unrealistic sense of entitlement.  I’m not lying when I say that one year, I saw my children, along with my nieces and nephews, open presents and say, “next,” not even acknowledging or appreciating what they had just opened.  I have no other way to describe it other than to say it felt gross.  

Instead of Ho Ho Ho, I’m the one saying No No No and I look like a total Grinch.  

Well, not entirely. I am going to admit that when there aren’t lots of presents under the tree, I also feel like something isn’t right. Maybe part of it is what I’ve been used to.  I feel like we’ve all been so conditioned to expect excess, that when we set some very normal limits, we actually feel guilty.  I feel like I’m not giving my children a memorable Christmas if they aren’t opening an excessive amount of gifts. WHY???  

Believe me, I love the joy of Christmas morning.  I love my children's’ excitement.  I love hearing their happy squeals and their pleas to open their highly anticipated presents, BUT, I also understand that excess isn’t necessarily the way to elicit happy, healthy children. Is there a way to enjoy with limits so as not to foster an environment of entitlement? 

I’ve compiled some ideas from myself and also from friends and family to combat the ChrExcess epidemic.   

1. No new stuff comes in unless some of the old stuff goes out.  We have limited space, so I’ve asked my children to consider what they no longer use to make space for the new. Keeping some important stuff is fine, but I want to be mindful not to foster dependence on too much stuff. 

2. Buy and wrap gifts that your children will use all year round.  This year I bought and wrapped new tennis shoes, socks, underwear, electric toothbrushes, hair brushes and clothes. A big part of the excitement is in the unwrapping, so wrap up those items that you would buy throughout the year anyway. Also consider your children’s hobbies and supplies you would also buy anyway.  For us, that is lots and lots of art supplies.   

3. Ask your children to contribute. This year my children used some of their own money to purchase a present for the  “Giving Tree” at school.  I’m not saying we have a lot, but my children have never NOT had a wonderful (and plentiful) Christmas.  I really want them to consider how they can give to those that are less fortunate rather than solely focusing on themselves and what they are getting. 

4. Let the grandparents spoil them, BUT within reason AND have a conversation with grandparents about what they are giving your children to ensure that it doesn’t contradict any personal/parental boundaries that you have set with your children.  A perfect example from a friend was when a grandparent gave IPads to her children. If your parental boundary has been to limit screen time, you, as a parent, have every right to set that boundary and it needs to be respected.  

5. A friend of mine always gifts her children books and they have made it a tradition to read them together over the holidays.  What an awesome tradition for their family and a great way to encourage literacy and family time.   

6. Another friend talked about the option of “experiences” over “stuff,” so as a family, they are going on a trip to Colorado as part of their children's’ Christmas present.  As part of my children's’ stocking gift, I am planning to do a day visit to BounceU.  It might not be Colorado, but it will still be a fun family experience.   

7. Every Christmas, my mom donates money to a Haitian charity.  This charity is particularly meaningful to her because she spent some time there as a nurse doing hurricane relief.  She donates on behalf of each of her five children and their families and is provided information on how each donation is being utilized.  Before any presents are opened, our new tradition is for each family to read how their donation has helped a family in need. It has become a family favorite and a great way to offer the children a valuable perspective about the privileges that they have.    

I know this might not be the popular opinion and that’s okay.  I also don’t want anyone to worry that my children are only getting underwear this year.  I’m (mostly) confident my children made the nice list this year and (fingers crossed) hoping they will be pleasantly surprised on Christmas morning.  With each Christmas morning and each passing year that I get to be a parent though, I realize the value in being on the nice list all year long and if what I need to do as a parent is to periodically set limits to keep my children’s expectations in check, so be it.  Chrexcess may not officially be an epidemic, but it’s an idea that affects us all.  Let’s do our part to help our children understand their privilege and promote empathy versus entitled expectations and we’ll all enjoy an epidemic free holiday.