First Time College Parents 101
I work at a small liberal arts college and in the summer, we welcome our new students to campus to do all the things to prepare for the upcoming fall semester...register for classes, turn in all necessary documentation, essentially, acclimate to campus. My very small role in this process is to moderate a discussion for parents to ask questions of panelists from respective departments across campus to ensure that parents feel they know all they need to know and mostly importantly, to feel comfortable leaving their son or daughter in the fall.
I have to imagine that this process is not only overwhelming for students, but also for parents. You expect students to be anxious, but because of the role that I play in this process, I see and feel the anxiety of the parents. I just want to say to them, I hear you.
Parents play a vital role in the collegiate success of their students, so if you are the parent of a soon to be college bound student, feel free to read on. If your children have years to go before they graduate, read on anyway, because they will be there eventually. :)
I recently saw a Facebook post of a parent of a student who had recently graduated high school. It was actually kind of cute and ironic in that she said, “Check in on the parents of high school seniors,” as if to insinuate that they are not okay. Isn’t it interesting to think that our focus is generally on the experience of the seniors and we forget all about the experience of the parents. Parents, as well, are navigating unfamiliar territory and need to be checked in on. Having a child go to college is just as new of an experience as actually going to college. It’s an interesting dance of where do you take a step back and let them lead? And...if you let them lead, and they are taking a lot of mis-steps, at what point do you intervene and take the lead back?
I also recently had a conversation with a family physician and she was mentioning to me that she had had some conversations with some soon to be college bound patients about some of the realities of college life. She and I were quite surprised by how few of these difficult conversations these patients were having with their parents and it inspired me to write about a way to (hopefully) facilitate these conversations. And...as much as we want to believe that college campuses are wholesome communities where your child is strictly receiving an education, we all know the realities of what can potentially be ahead and when opportunity presents itself, things can potentially happen. And when you don’t have parental supervision/support around, they are much more likely to happen.
As parents, or at least for me, there seems to be about a million different anxious thoughts going through my head in regards to my children, but very few of those thoughts translate into actual conversations. Right now, my children are a bit younger, but for college aged students, they are now finally at an age where those thoughts/conversations could and should happen and if they do, I can assure you that both you and your child will be better prepared for this next chapter in both of your lives.
In the workshops that I do for the freshman when they get to campus, I try to prepare them for the next 9 months. Little do they know how much their life is going to change. I try to prepare them for what will be one of the most fun, and yet, most challenging years of their life. When can you think of another time in a person’s life where there is so much dramatic change? New school, new community, new instructors, new expectations, new coaches, new food, new living arrangement and let’s be real, very few students nowadays have ever had to share a room. All of this “newness” at a time when they are separated from the support system that they’ve known for the last 18 years. Oh..and have fun, but not too much fun. Aww, you are still my baby, but yet, you are an adult now, so act like it.
My hope is to provide you with information and feedback based on my experiences in working with college aged students, but please keep in mind that information based on my experience isn’t always the experience that everyone has. Some points may resonate with you and others may not. In the very least, I hope to provide you with a framework for understanding your child’s freshman year in hopes of preparing you and your child to navigate that experience.
The drop off...and the first few weeks - The discomfort of anxiety
Has anyone ever seen the movie “Finding Nemo?” I know this seems kinda off topic, but bear with me. The dad clownfish, Marlin, becomes very anxious when he learns that his son, Nemo, visited the area of the ocean called the drop off.
“The drop off is where the reef ends and open water begins. Many fish native to the reef are often forbidden from wandering off beyond this point since a lot of dangers tend to wait for them in open water, like the scuba divers who occasionally come to their reef.”
I hope that this analogy is making a little more sense now. The reef is kinda like your home and college is where your child is being thrust into open water. There are dangers, albeit, maybe not shark infested waters, swarms of jellyfish, or the ever so dangerous scuba divers, but dangers indeed.
Anyone feeling kinda like Marlin?
There is no denying it, dropping your son/daughter off at college for the very first time is heartbreaking. I can’t even tell you how many parents I’ve seen crying as they said their final goodbyes. It breaks my heart and I haven’t even had to do it yet. The only comparison that I’ve experienced to date is the day when I had to drop each of my three children off at daycare when I returned to work. That first day is heartbreaking, but each day gets easier and easier. I’m hoping that is your experience with your son/daughter at college. It will become your new norm and all of you will get through it.
Anticipate that the first few weeks of school are going to be hard. Some students transition better than others, but expect that will be hard. The peace of mind that I have to offer is that, as I said earlier, it will become their new norm and with familiarity comes less anxiety.
The best feedback that I can offer in these really challenging first few weeks is to continue to be in contact and continue to be supportive, but also, continue to challenge the anxiety that is causing them discomfort and support them in realizing how successful they can be independently. Acknowledge that their homesickness is real, but most likely, very temporary. It’s a reality that few escape, but one that most get through. Keep a countdown for when you get to see them again. Encourage them to take a few things that remind them of home and that makes their new home feel like their old one. (Blankets, candles/scents from home, a stuffed animal, pictures, etc.)
Our kids are just like us.
In my nearly 10 years in higher education, there are similar themes to what happens prior to students getting referred over to counseling services. Our college students are no different than we are. We want to be successful and so do they. We struggle with asking for help and so do they.
But, once they fail their first exam or they aren’t as successful as they had hoped in their activity, like everyone, they start shutting down and shutting people out. I’m not going to say that it doesn’t suck, BUT, my best feedback is to not fall susceptible to the 3 I’s...Internalize, Isolate and Ignore.
*When you internalize, you allow a very assumptive narrative to take over. I’m so stupid, I’m less talented than everyone else, I don’t fit in here, I’m not going to be successful.
*When you isolate, you deny support from others, your friends, your family and all the resources that are made available to you on campus.
*When you ignore, you ignore very obvious problems and hope your problems go away. They don’t, problems get worse when you do nothing about it.
Normalize with your son or daughter their failures. They are new at this whole college thing. They don’t realize that they have the entire semester to improve their GPA and most likely, they will. But...what I see is the 3 I’s that I referred to earlier. They internalize their feelings of inadequacy or shame, which turns into isolating, not wanting to tell others, specifically parents, about the shame that they are experiencing and often to a point where they allow one small issue to fester into a myriad of issues. The point in which they finally show up to see me is where they can’t ignore anymore. Their grades have plummeted, their relationships have suffered and they feel that they have created a scenario where they have no other option. Trust me, they have options. Maybe the option is to drop a class. Maybe the option is to get a tutor. There are almost always options.
My hope by having these conversations early is that you catch the issue early, before it festers, before it escalates into a bigger issue. By normalizing early failures, you foster an environment of communication and eliminate the idea of an expectation of perfection and love being based strictly on perfect performances.
I want to be certain to note that my normalization of failure is in no way my attempt to promote mediocrity, but in my experience, I don’t want early failures to dictate whether or not students are successful in the future. By eliminating the sense of shame that often accompanies early failures, we instill this type of forgiving mindset that allows us to maintain a much more positive sense of self.
Relationships intensify in college in a number of ways.
Because students are in an unfamiliar setting, it’s common for them to grasp onto new relationships very quickly as a method of alleviating the anxiety of being alone or merely perceiving themselves as being alone.
There is great discomfort in the perception of being alone and with any level of discomfort, we seek to find relationships that provide us with a sense of belonging. If you luck out, your student will find a friend or significant relationship that is positive, but that isn’t always the case and I have heard on numerous occasions, that student’s reported having a friend that they were once “inseparable” with, that they are no longer friends. My belief is that the original reason for the friendship was not out of mutual interest or common values, it was purely out of discomfort avoidance and the anxiety that accompanies the perception of loneliness.
When my daughter was 6, she started dance lessons and I entered into a world of unknowns. When it came to recital time, I was bombarded with picture day, dress rehearsals, a very specific hair and makeup regimen, costume changes and a very overwhelming weekend of dance times and places where she needed to be. It just so happened that I didn’t know any of the other dance moms in my daughter’s specific class. On picture day, I met a mom that was a friend of a friend and I latched onto her like you wouldn’t believe. I felt comforted by her similar sense of feeling overwhelmed and confused. Knowing that I had someone to walk through the process with me was so much better than feeling as though I was going through it alone. I use this example as a way of saying I get it...but...make them aware of this tendency and encourage them to choose wisely.
Choosing a major is a big deal and absolutely one that students need to choose for themselves.
I recall being an advisor and I shuddered when students would say that they are only majoring in something because their parents wanted them to. Although I will never downplay the importance of parental involvement, like anything, there can be too much of a good thing.
To the best of your ability, don’t disparage an ARTS degree or insinuate they will never be gainfully employed with a Psychology degree. If you are concerned about a major choice, my feedback to you would be, ask them questions about what type of jobs they are interested in with that degree or quite possibly, why they are interested in earning that type of degree. Immediately placing judgement on one of their first collegiate decisions they make will discourage them from discussing with you their decisions in the future.
Is it their anxiety or is it our own?
I want us to take a really hard look at ourselves and how we feel that our own anxiety is going to manifest our own decision making process. For many of us, and yes, I’m including myself in this, our anxiety manifests in control. Controlling parents often have the absolute best of intentions, but like I was saying earlier, it can be too much.
I had a session with a student this past semester in which he initiated counseling to get support in “How to talk to his mom about the controlling ways in which she is affecting his academic success.” To give you a little bit of background, this student was a junior about to go into his senior year. The student reported that his mom would check his email and learning system notifications. She would then call and ask why certain assignments were not turned in yet and to what extent he was working on other assignments that had upcoming due dates. He became so frustrated by her level of intrusiveness that he avoided her calls and out of spite, stopped turning in his assignments. Her intense level of intervention actually had the opposite effect of what she had wanted. It made him feel as though he had no control over his own academic experience.
Now, the context of mom’s story is incredibly important in understanding her perspective. She makes a lot more sense and it gives us a better perspective as to why she felt she needed to intervene at that level. Both mom and her husband attended college and both dropped out prior to completing their degrees. Although they have had success in their lives, mom has always been disappointed in herself that she never finished college. The student had one older sister who also went to college and after a few years, also dropped out. Mom’s perspective is one of, “I don’t want to see this happen to anyone else,” and she is doing everything she can to prevent her son from also dropping out. Her anxiety is driving her decision making and although we can understand it, it doesn’t make it okay. The reality of the situation is that he got sick and was, only for a short while, behind in a few assignments. He had not otherwise been academically struggling.
How can you, as a parent, acknowledge your own anxiety and how it may impact the level of control that you have in your student’s academic experience? What are some ways that you can continue to play a role in their experience, but still allow them the autonomy to make decisions on their own and be proud of their accomplishments but also, accountable for their failures.
*Ask them how they did on an exam versus checking their exam scores on their learning system platform.
*Ask them about the resources that they are utilizing for academic assistance.
*Fight the urge to check their email/app notifications, even if they gave you the password.
*Help them to set up an online calendar so that they can utilize their time throughout the week. Maybe even set up a weekly phone call so that you can ensure that you get time to talk to them.
*Talk to them about keeping a consistent schedule and try not to get into the habit of staying up all night and taking long naps during the day. (I compare college students to babies and how you have to keep them on a consistent routine, otherwise you’ll see a definite mood deterioration.)
*With the calendar, help them to understand a block schedule and utilizing day time to study versus thinking they have all sorts of free time. (The old adage is that for one hour of class time, there should be roughly three hours of study time.)
Highschool Versus College
Your subscription to information on your child just got cancelled and one of the main reasons for doing this workshop is to help you navigate that cancellation process.
*As a high school student, parents get semester or maybe even quarterly academic progress notes or report cards. This is not true of a college student. The only access you will have to your student’s GPA or academic progress, is through your student.
*As a high school student, you will be made aware of any behavioral issues. This is not true of a college student. You will only be made aware of behavioral issues if they tell you. (I believe that exceptions can be made if safety becomes an issue or if authorities are involved.)
* As a high school student, you will be made aware if your student is struggling academically and is in need of additional support. As a college student, student’s have to access the support on their own and you will not be made aware if they are struggling, nor will academic support reach out to them.
This is a good segway into academic accommodations. For any student that is eligible for academic accommodations because of a prior diagnosis or high school IEP, please know that your student has to reach out to the appropriate collegiate staff to set that up. Many assume that documentation is sent to the college or that it would be automatically assumed with accommodations set up in high school. I can tell you now that it is not. My feedback to you, as someone who has worked in this department, even if you think that you’ll be okay without accommodations, if you have a diagnosis or suspect that you might use them, get them set up as soon as possible and choose not to use them. By waiting, and by struggling academically and trying to play catch up is much more difficult.
The College Roommate
Has your son or daughter ever shared a room? If they haven’t, get ready, because this will be an entirely new experience for them. Talk with your student about what to expect from a roommate. Living with a stranger is bound to cause a lot of anxiety, and rightfully so, but, it’s also an incredible opportunity to learn about someone new. I want to caution students from avoiding this anxiety by living with a friend that they know from high school. Sometimes it works out great, but definitely not always and having a history with someone makes it even more difficult if it doesn’t work out.
Talk with your student about setting boundaries with their roommate immediately. As a person who has sat in on and facilitated a number of roommate mediations, this gets ugly and it can get ugly fast. You think it’s awkward to tell your roommate that you don’t want anyone of the opposite gender spending the night? Imagine how awkward it is when they are getting busy in the bed right next to you. Students learn what they can and can’t get away with very quickly with a new roommate and believe me, if they think that they can, they absolutely will. Because why, you never said they couldn’t.
Have the conversation with your roommate about overnight guests.
Have the conversation with your roommate about eating your food.
Have the conversation with your roommate about borrowing your clothes.
Have the conversation with your roommate about drinking in your room
Have the conversation with your roommate about anything that you think can cause an issue.
Encourage them to be as transparent of a communicator as possible and avoid the idea of, “I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.” The longer that they allow inappropriate behavior to occur, the more difficult it will be to say something. Communicate before resentment starts to build and set appropriate boundaries right away.
FERPA Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act
FERPA defines an eligible student as a student who has reached 18 years of age or is attending a postsecondary institution at any age. This means that, at the secondary level, once a student turns 18, all the rights that once belonged to his or her parents transfer to the student.
“When a student turns 18 years old or enters a postsecondary institution at any age, all rights afforded to you as a parent under FERPA transfer to the student ("eligible student").”
https://www2.ed.gov/policy/gen/guid/fpco/brochures/parents.html
*This is a federal law that has lots of regulations and I am hesitant to provide a lot more information because of all of the exceptions and exclusions. However, what I want you to know is that you can encourage your son or daughter to sign a FERPA waiver and that will allow you to have access to records that you wouldn’t have access to otherwise. Generally there are several areas that your son or daughter can choose to allow access, for instance, academic, financial or personal.
“Infantilize”
Infantilize is a term that has been picked up recently by scholars to describe the way in which parents oftentimes treat their children in ways that promote or prolong dependency, as if you would an infant. I don’t think that any one of us can argue that our experience as children is wildly different that the experience of children presently. I’d bet that we, as adults, can nearly, without a doubt, say that the expectations that we had as children clearly surpass the expectations that we have for our children. Now, that’s not to say that their experience has been any more or less difficult, but it is definitely different. This term has been used as a way to describe the way in which parents often foster a relationship with their children that promotes dependence on them or the level of involvement that the parent has is comparable to the level of involvement that parents would have when their children are infants. (Ex. monitoring, intervention, ect.)
I’m obviously not in the business of offending anyone, but I do have to state the obvious. We, as parents, need to be mindful of the way that we now intervene and behave in a way that fosters independent decision making and problem solving versus fostering dependence. They are going to look to you to make decisions and it is up to us to encourage them to make their own.
I say this because I am a part of a department that is frequentyly notified of concerns or more often, complaints. We are obviously an institution that is preparing students academically for future careers, we are also an institution that is preparing students for becoming an adult and surviving and thriving in the real world. Departmentally, our goals are to help students to learn to solve our own problems, deal with their own consequences and navigate the discomfort of anxiety, all with support, of course.
This is a concept that I personally struggle with and I recognize that. My personal story involved very “hands off” parents and isn’t it interesting that I’m the complete opposite. However, what I’ve grown to understand is that there is this very dichotomous situation where we, as parents, want and/or expect our children to be dependent and compliant in their relationship with us, yet we want them to be opinionated and autonomous in the real world. We then, as parents, have to start fostering that independence and autonomy now and in our relationship with them, even if we don’t necessarily agree.
Going Home
Going to college is stressful, but as much as none of us want to admit it, it’s stressful for our students to return home. They’ve taken care of themselves for how long and now they have returned to someone else’s household. Talk to them about household expectations when they come home. Will they now have a curfew? Will their significant other be allowed to stay over? Are they expected to have a job and/or pay you rent?
Although it might be stressful, it might also be a huge relief. Is there a favorite meal that they can look forward to when they come home? Is there a family tradition that you look forward to?
And lastly, prepare them in the event that their room was taken over by a sibling or mom’s craft room. You’d be surprised by how traumatic it can be for a college student to learn that they no longer have a room or space in their family home.
In closure,
Do what you can to validate your son or daughter’s feelings of anxiety, but don’t allow their anxiety to justify giving up. Assess their anxiety and force the discomfort, because I can assure you, it nearly always gets better. You know them better than anyone, so if you feel that their anxiety truly isn’t getting better, get them home or support their decision to leave, but don’t support that prematurely.
Help your son or daughter to find their voice to self advocate. No problem gets any better by doing or saying nothing about it. Find someone, find your crew, your tribe, your whatever. Just let them know that they don’t have to go about it all alone. We are all really good actors and actresses, so unless you say something, no one may know your student isn’t okay.
Lastly, you have been preparing your child to do this for the last 18 years. Be proud of what you have done as a parent and trust that you’ve done everything you can to prepare them to be all that they can be. Know that there are going to be disappointments or God forbid, even failures, but, as we all know, it isn’t until we experience the discomfort of failing, that we can know and truly appreciate success.
If you’ve actually read this far, thank you for taking the time. Supporting students as they transition to college is a passion of mine. If you would like to further consult, please feel free to reach out to me.
