This is 40

A friend recently asked me how I felt about turning 40. She should have known better, because this particular friend knows how I can turn a simple question into a long, drug out story...and eventual blog post.

So, in true Carrie Bradshaw fashion, “I couldn’t help but wonder”…How DO I feel about turning 40?  Lucky for my friend, she was almost to work and she didn’t have to hear my entire thought process on the subject.  I did get the chance to ask her the same question, as she is turning 40 later this year.  I, admittedly, was jealous of her ability to respond to the same question with total confidence that 40 was truly, nothing but a number and nothing to be worried about.  She was exactly where she felt she needed to be.  

I reflect back to when I turned 30.  I was married 6 months prior to my lovely husband, Ben.  I celebrated at a small Seattle dive bar, called the Zoo Bar with said friend I just referenced as well as a number of other great friends who graciously played along with my request that all guests had to wear animal print.  I mean, it was the Zoo Bar, after all.   I had no reservations about turning 30, because I was, seemingly, where I felt that I needed to be.  Living it up and loving life. 

I reflect back to when I turned 21.  Well, maybe, let’s not go there.  :) 

So here I am, at the cusp of 40.  Over the hill, as they say, as if to insinuate, it’s all downhill from here.  Maybe that is why I’m having some reservations on what should be a momentous birthday.    

I was in a texting thread with a few of my college friends just the other night and it’s funny to think about how our conversations have changed over the years. We discussed the presence of “jowls,” the amount of money we now spend on “anti-aging cream,” how any level of physical activity requires pre and post ibuprofen and how we (mostly me) now has to color every other month to “manage the grey.” I've had the frightening realization that the days of diaper changing will soon be a thing of the past and the days of needing to wear one is, seemingly, in my not so distant future.

I am now at an age of watching reboots of shows that I watched when they originally came out and one of the toughest Jagged Little Pills to swallow is that 90’s music is now considered “oldies.” The interesting thing about turning 40 is that physically, I feel all of my 40 years, but mentally, I’m just not there, because 40 is old and I’m not old, right? 

If I am to be truly honest with myself , I recognize that my 40th birthday reservations come from a place of understanding that many of life’s special moments are behind me.  Most notably my youth, my high school and college years, my life in the city, my wedding, and the birth of all of my children.  All of those moments are now in the rear view.  

But, as my friend pointed out, we are where we need to be. Yes, turning 40 has really made me think about what I have and haven’t accomplished and although I’m proud of that which I’ve done, there is a lot left on my TO DO list. And... if I’m going to accomplish those things, I’d better put on my mom jeans and sensible flats, grab a drink and a Tide Pen, because I’m certain to spill either my coffee or wine on myself in the process.  I need to think about all that’s left to do, because life isn’t over at 40.   

With age, I’ve learned, that there are so many things I can’t do anymore, like somersaults.  (I actually tried one the other day with my two year old and I hurt my neck.)  I can't drink all night and function the next day. I can't jump on a trampoline without an accident. I can't eat whatever I want and think that heartburn won't be an issue.

But, there are also things I can do now that I couldn't do in my youth, like pay my bills or understand what a deductible is. Manage a job, a home and a family. Care more deeply for others than myself. I’m doing my best to embrace the changes and new stages of adulthood.  I mean, 40 is the new 30 right? 

In the 10 years since celebrating my 30th at the Zoo Bar, I’ve been blessed with the most beautiful family that I could have ever imagined.  I may not have married Gavin Rossdale and that's okay. Ben has continued to love and thankfully, put up with me. I've got some pretty sweet gal pals that don't hold back when discussing the nitty gritty of aging gracefully, or maybe I should say, (dis)gracefully.  

I certainly don't have it all, but I have everything I need and that is exactly where I need to be.