The Angry Mom

Months ago, my friend Amanda tagged me in a post by Facebook blogger, Amy Weatherly, about how she was accepting an award for “Meanest Mom in the Whole World.” It was a satirical post about her son’s dramatic reaction to being made to play outside on a beautiful day. It was really funny and Oh.So.Relatable. I can imagine my own children nominating me for a very similar if not the exact same award. In fact, the reason she tagged me in this post is because of a story I told her about my own son and something he said to me recently. It was a few weeks ago and my husband and I were doing our usual choreographed weeknight dance of getting home from work, getting kids from daycare, starting supper, getting the two older kids a snack before supper because they are “starving,” asking about their day, looking at and complimenting homework/artwork, diffusing arguments between the two, nursing the baby and/or getting the baby in the high chair so that he can throw all of his food on the floor, listen to baby scream while making supper and listening to all the questions my four year old daughter can muster. As I am cutting chicken nuggets into bite size pieces, my 7 year old son says, “Mom, why are you so angry lately? You are meaner than you used to be.” Queue eyes closing, head dropping and the tight, anxious muscles in my neck and shoulders sinking. It was as though any energy that I had left in my body just disappeared. It’s hard to describe, but I bet everyone knows that feeling when guilt consumes you. It is this really heavy uncomfortable feeling that engulfs your body and mind. You are hyper-focused on that which is making you feel guilty and super distracted simultaneously. Your mind is racing, but your body isn’t moving at all. You are staring but seeing nothing. It’s pretty terrible, actually. And...I have it a lot, but especially when he asked me that question.
"Why are you so angry lately?" All I could think about was how hard I try to be a good mother. I feel like I try super hard even when I don't feel good and even when I’m really tired. I feel like I put on a great face even when I don’t want to. This little question hurt me to the core. I couldn’t just drop everything right at that moment, so I told him that it was important that we talk about it, but that we would have to do it after supper. I thought about it while I ate and I thought more about it while I cleaned up the kitchen and did the dishes. I thought about it when I cleaned up the baby and when I put the baby in the bath. I thought about it while I was nursing the baby and putting the baby to bed. So many thoughts about it. In the time between when he asked me that question though, and when we actually had a chance to talk about it, I kinda had a change of heart, an epiphany, if you will. I will admit that his perception was actually pretty accurate. I probably was more angry than I had been before. With work and the baby and with all of his and his sister’s needs, there was a lot to do and honestly, a lot to get angry about. But...was it fair to me to say that I was becoming angrier? Was it fair for me to take on the entire blame that his perception of me had changed? Hmmmm….. Or….. Were their legitimate “things” that were happening that justified my perceived anger and was it me that needed to change or were those the “things” that needed to change? I’m going to rewind a few weeks to a conversation that my husband and I had about the challenges we were having with our older son and daughter and how moody we felt they had become. And not only the moodiness, but the whining. Not your run of the mill whining, but whining with a fatal frequency. I always assumed that the lack of patience and eye rolls didn’t start until kids became teenagers, but alas, we have hit that stage hard and fast. And...I will admit...that type of behavior and blatant disrespect makes me angry. The lack of appreciation for the amount of energy that is put into these kids apparently makes me an angry and mean mom. And...rightfully so… Disclaimer: I don’t want to say that I have bad kids, because I certainly don’t. They are the absolute loves of my life and I would, quite literally, do anything for them. All things considered, they are pretty dang amazing and I’m lucky to be their mom. End Disclaimer At the point in which we finally had time to talk about this, my heart and mindset had changed. I approached this conversation differently than I thought I would. I originally thought I was going to approach this conversation by apologizing to my kids for my lack of engagement and my lack of energy. To assure them that I would no longer be an angry and mean mom, but that I would do better, try harder and blah blah blah. Me to my son: “What do you think makes me angry?” Him: “Um..I don’t know..when we don’t listen?” (Stated like a question) Me: “Yes, that’s very true. So, why do you think I sometimes yell at you and your sister?” Him: “Um.when we are fighting?” (Stated like a question) Me: “Hmm, so, you kinda understand why I get angry, then? Do you think that if you listened to me and if you didn’t fight so much with your sister, that I wouldn’t be quite so angry or mean?” Him: “Um..okay.” Me: “Okay, so is it that I am more angry and mean or is it that there are some things that you and your sister do that cause it?” Him: (Silence) Him: “We do it?” (Stated like a question) Me: “So, if you listened to me and fought less, do you think I would be less angry and mean?” Him: (Hesitation) “Yes?” (Stated like a question) Fast forward to later in the evening. Him: “Can we go outside and play together?” Me: “Sorry honey, angry moms don’t go outside and play with their kids.” Him: “But, I didn’t mean that. Ugh.” (Eyeroll) (Frustration) Fast forward to even later in the evening. Him: “Are you coming in to give me a back scratch before I go to bed?” Me: “Sorry honey, angry moms don’t give back scratches before bed.” Him: (Eyeroll) “Mom, can you stop this? I didn’t mean it. You are nice.” Me: “Do you really mean that or do you just want a back scratch?” Him: (Pulling up his shirt and rolls over so that he is ready for a back scratch) I mean it, so can I have a back scratch now?” Maybe he meant it, maybe he just really wanted a back scratch. In my everyday world with my children, I often feel like I have very few “wins,” and this felt like one. The difficulty in being a parent, for me, is that I always feel like what I have to offer isn’t enough. As a person who is tremendously dependent on validation, my kids and probably any kids, just aren’t very good at providing that. So, if I want them to be better at it, I am the one that has to teach them that. If I were to have accepted that guilt, to have apologized and tried harder and harder and harder, when is it ever going to be good enough? When is my effort ever going to be good enough? And...if this pattern is repeated and subsequently strengthened, my children are going to develop a very un-empathetic (is that a word?) and entitled way of thinking, right? Yikes, scary stuff and a testament to the influence of parental decisions. I think it is important to note that I do need to remind myself ways in which I can be more patient and ways that I can be the best mom that I can be, but also, I think it is important to know that “the perfect mom” or “the perfect parent” doesn’t exist. I think that I get caught up in trying so hard and keeping my expectations so high that my children also then, have unrealistic expectations about what my husband and I can accomplish or provide for them. All of us, myself, my husband and my kids are a work in progress. Our family dynamic is and continues to be a work in progress. There is a lot of frustration, but a hell of a lot more love and I like those odds. Just as I am not perfect, neither are my children, and as you all know, they have good and bad days. But, continue to expect more of them. Continue to teach them empathy. Continue to teach them the importance of appreciation. Maybe then, you won’t be so angry.