The Problem with Perfection

My interest in this workshop did not come out of my own extensive clinical research on perfectionism and perfectionistic traits, but more so, the frequency of this as a presenting issue in students seeking counseling services.  I will admit though, it is often not until students are in an overwhelming level of distress, before they sought out counseling services.  A true testament to the level of perfection that each was experiencing and the challenge in admitting that they needed help.  

I’m going to define perfectionism for you, but please keep in mind, the way perfectionism impacts each person is going to be uniquely defined and dependent on each person’s personal experiences.  Where these traits come from and how they play out in each person’s life will vary greatly. Perfectionism, according to Webster's dictionary, is defined as a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable. 

As a counselor in a small college, perfectionism looks a little more like this….

*The nursing student who is so consumed by the 77% test average, that when they don’t meet that percentage criteria, they second guess their chosen professional identity. This is the student who identifies so strongly with grades that they can’t see that their profession requires much more than just a certain GPA.  

**The football player who has identified so strongly with being an athlete that they give themselves no option other than playing for all four years of college even though their minds and bodies are done. This is the student who feels that love for him is conditional and dependent on participation. 

***The ARTS student who feels that saying no is not an option and if they aren’t saying yes to everyone then they are disappointing everyone.  This is the student that is so over committed to everything that they can’t understand why everyone wouldn’t forego their own needs for the betterment of themselves and the ARTS program.    

As different as these student experiences are, the inherent feelings of inadequacy in self and others are all painfully similar.    

Perfectionism in and of itself, isn’t necessarily always a bad thing, and in fact, these types of traits are the basis for many, very successful people, however, it is important to consider at what level and ultimately, at what cost? Perfectionists tend to be high achievers, but, it is important to note that high achievers have a very different mindset than over achievers. Researchers on the topic of perfectionism make the distinction between perfectionists that are high achieving and adaptive versus overachieving and maladaptive.  Adaptive perfectionists understand the value in learning as a process and that mistakes are ultimately part of that process, which allows for continued engagement.   Maladaptive perfectionists tend to set unrealistic goals and feel a sense of failure when they don’t achieve them, which leads to procrastination and eventual disengagement.  Have you ever heard someone say that they can’t start a project if they can’t foresee it going perfectly? “If I can’t do it perfectly, I’m not going to do it at all.”  

The Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale is a scale used in determining the level and to what degree, individuals self-report perfectionistic traits and are categorized as either self oriented, socially prescribed and other oriented perfectionists and are defined below as: 

 

• Self-oriented, having an irrational desire to be perfect.

• I strive to be as perfect as I can be.

• It makes me uneasy to see an error in my work.

• I must work to my full potential at all times.

• I set very high standards for myself.

• Socially prescribed, perceiving excessive expectations from others.

• I find it difficult to meet others’ expectations of me.

• The people around me expect me to succeed at everything I do.

• I feel that people are too demanding of me.

• My family expects me to be perfect.

• Other-oriented, placing unrealistic standards on others.

• I can’t be bothered with people who won’t strive to better themselves.

• I cannot stand to see people close to me make mistakes.

• If I ask someone to do something, I expect it to be done flawlessly.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201502/which-type-perfectionist-are-you

Why is perfectionism problematic? 

The component of maladaptive perfectionism that is so damaging to self confidence and self worth is that the person is often only using one data point in making generalized determinations of self.  

I met with a nursing student that indicated that any test score below a 77% is a failing grade and therefore, that became her sole focus. The generalized statements that she, as a maladaptive perfectionist, would make when a grade fell below that standard was, “I am a failure and I don’t deserve to be a nurse.”  Statements such as these put so much emphasis on one test to determine her value as a potential nurse and overall person that she fails to see any other strengths or indicators that she could potentially be quite successful, despite one failed test.    

This student is a self prescribed perfectionist. The goal of scoring above a 77% test average isn’t necessarily an unrealistic goal, but the emphasis that she places on it and the unrealistic goal of never falling below that standard, has actually resulted in higher levels of anxiety and made studying and preparation for future exams, even more difficult.  The intrusive thoughts of academic inadequacy were so pervasive that she nearly quit the nursing program.  

Where does perfectionism originate? 

With any disorder or diagnostic symptom, it is important to be able to identify that which you struggle with in order to address it.  Are you more of an adaptive or maladaptive perfectionist?  Of the three types of maladaptive perfectionists, do you tend to be more self-oriented, socially prescribed or other oriented?  If you can identify that, where do you think those traits originated from?  

Although researchers believe that there is a possibility of a genetic predisposition for perfectionistic traits, these traits are also fostered through family experiences, many of which where families place a heightened emphasis on achievement.  Although it is difficult to specifically pinpoint the origin of these traits, a common denominator is the individual’s response to reinforcement.  Learning theorists might suggest that reinforced behaviors strengthen over time and when achievement is reinforced, the perfectionistic tendencies will be strengthened. 

I met with a football player who had been playing football since he was 5 years old.  His parents were athletes and placed a high value on athletic participation.  The student’s parents went to every game and were very proud of the football accomplishments that the student had achieved.  The student became so consumed by adhering to his perceived parental standard of athletic success that although he no longer wanted to participate, he felt that he had to in order not to risk disappointing them.   

This student is a socially prescribed perfectionist.  Although his parents placed value on the student’s athletic participation, it was unknown if they would, indeed, be disappointed by him choosing not to participate.  This student made the assumption that they would be disappointed and the narrative that presented in counseling was that he was unworthy of parental love if he was not participating in football.  To him, it was as though, that is the only reason that his parents would love him.  This student was so consumed by being the perfect athlete, that he had convinced himself that if he wasn’t an athlete, he was nothing.  Although it took several weeks for him to gather the courage to discuss his concerns with his parents, he was pleasantly surprised that his parents understood his reasoning for not wanting to participate and although they were sad to see his collegiate career come to and end, they were pleased that he came to them, discussed with them and no longer made his decisions under the false perfectionistic assumption that their love for him was dependent on playing football.  

The narrative that plays on repeat in the mind of a perfectionist needs to be challenged.   Where these traits originate is highly dependent on experiences, but nonetheless, these experiences often create a narrative that isn’t necessarily true, yet are strengthened over time.  As in the aforementioned example, the student convinced himself that love from his parents was dependent on athletic participation, and through some incredibly important self-disclosures and dialogue with his parents, it was determined that his narrative needed to be changed, which is understandably difficult, because it’s difficult to unlearn what we learned about ourselves over the course of our lifetime.  

Researchers are also studying the effects of social media and how it correlates with increased levels of perfectionism.   An article from The Guardian explained it well.  “Perfectionism can allow us to aim high and achieve great things. However, perfectionists are doomed to failure, because we set ourselves standards that are not attainable for humans. We will never meet our goals, to the detriment of our mental health and wellbeing. When we go online, we’re surrounded by platforms that appear to be full of other people meeting these goals. Intellectually, we know it’s all a lovely lie, but emotionally it’s a struggle. Feelings seem like facts.” 

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/jan/05/perfectionism-mental-health-millennial-social-media

I don’t think that there is any argument that the presence of social media correlates with higher levels of self identified perfectionism.  Specifically, what our students post on social media highlights their achievements, and rightfully so, but when the struggles or the process in which those achievements aren’t posted, it continues to perpetuate the false narrative that everyone else is perfect and I’m not.

What do we do if we struggle with perfectionism? 

When setting goals, students need to keep in mind that they need to be set within ability and within reason.  What we, as parents or counselors, should be doing is encouraging students to be achievement striving (not perfection striving) and just generally striving to do well.  However, understanding that it is impossible to do well all the time and to have some grace for ourselves and others when mistakes happen.

I met with an ARTS student who, quite literally, had next to no down time.  Even when I accessed his Google Calendar in order for me to look at available times for us to meet for counseling, there were very few hours not only in his day, but in his entire week.  This student, in particular, thrives on busyness and has a difficult time understanding how other students can’t “keep up,” the way that he can. He says yes to everything and thrives on making everyone else happy.  He was an ARTS workstudy, participated in band, choir, and all of the theatre productions.  Additionally, he was taking more than full time credits, an internship and part-time job.  

This student is an other oriented perfectionist.  Of course he had his own perfectionistic tendencies, but what sets this student apart, is that he, equally, had unrealistically high expectations of others.  Because this student can manage the schedule that he had, he would then expect that everyone else could manage it, which is absolutely not true.  What one can do, varies greatly from one person to the next and expectations and empathy should be adjusted accordingly.  

In the book, Pushing Back on Perfectionism: How to Be Happily Imperfect, Dr. Jessica Pryor recommends the following to help people address maladaptive perfectionism. 

1. Remember: Perfectionism is an “absolute illusion,” which is fed by a lifetime of distorted messages that perfection is possible.

2. Break goals into bite-size pieces to make things more manageable and as a reminder to celebrate each accomplishment, no matter how small.

3. Interrupt the self-critical voice in your head and replace it with a positive statement or redirection to more constructive thinking.

4. Do something positive for yourself like pausing when you’re stressed out and embracing relaxing practices.

5. Use a mantra that provides positive reinforcement that you are enough.

6. Recognize it may be in your genes—a fact supported by research and which can inhibit the self-blame game.

7. Reach out to a professional to get the help you need.

8. Stick with therapy, especially and even when it’s time to get real.

9. Recognize that you are modeling behavior for others and help those who are watching you to adopt these healthy strategies, too.

https://www.rtor.org/2019/10/14/how-to-navigate-college-and-combat-unhealthy-perfectionism/

I have a daughter who is 6 and is in Kindergarten this year.  At our first parent teacher conference, her teacher indicated that our daughter has a difficult time if her art or her assignments aren’t perfect.  I had an inkling that they were going to say something to the matter because at home, at any point that her art didn’t turn out the way she wanted it to, she would get frustrated, throw it away and want to start over.  Her teacher also said that my daughter always asked for the teacher to spell words for her on her assignments, whereas her teacher wanted her to sound out her words and spell herself, even if it ended up being spelled wrong. For the teacher, it was more about teaching the process of trying to sound it out, making mistakes and learning from it. I would be completely lying if I didn’t say that I understood this.  I remember re-writing pages of notes in college, not because it helped me with recall, but because my handwriting didn’t look good.  

In order for her to learn, we had to force her into the discomfort of making artistic and spelling mistakes and then learning from it.  We had to force her into the discomfort of “coloring over” a mistake in her art or finishing her artwork even if it wasn’t perfect, because if perfection is her only goal, we were setting her up for an eternal sense of inadequacy.  

I know that something must have sunk in, because only a few weeks ago, my husband, daughter and I were all in our basement, when my husband accidentally spilled a half gallon of white paint all over the floor, wall and pretty much anything in the vicinity.  One particular victim of this spill was a black storage bag that held some old posters, art, etc.  It initially startled, then frustrated me, but then my daughter told my husband that it was okay that he did that because her teacher says that mistakes are beautiful and she noted that the bag looked much more beautiful with the white paint on it.  I’m not sure that I entirely agreed with her, but it was a great opportunity for her to see that mistakes are indeed, okay, necessary and further taught us that we shouldn’t strive for perfection.  

I want students to be able to evaluate their lives and their goals from a realistic lens.  From a lens that allows them to balance the benefits of achievement but the necessity of imperfection. What is worth it and what isn’t.  I want them to recognize their strengths, but at the same time, acknowledge and accept that they too, have areas of growth.  I want them to be able to compliment themselves and others for successes and to understand that success isn’t always a competition.  Be happy for the success of others, have empathy for those who are imperfect and  lastly, understand that imperfections are a part of humanity.  Be forgiving of yourself and others and move on.  Don’t dwell in imperfections and render yourself paralyzed from growth and future success.  

The following is a short list of questions to help you identify if you struggle with perfectionism. If you have any further interest in the more extensive Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale, you can reference the website listed below.    

• Do you worry about what others will think if they saw who you really are?

• Do you feel as though the better you do, the better you are expected to do?

• Do you put off starting or finishing projects, wanting to get them just right?

• Do you find that you are never satisfied with your accomplishments?

• Does your family/partner expect you to be perfect?

• Do you push people away in order to avoid rejection?

• Do you feel that something only counts if it’s done perfectly?

• Does failure raise your expectations of yourself even higher?

• Do you “collect” your failures and mistakes in a mental archive?

• Do you feel that others are too demanding of you?

• Are you highly self-critical?

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/18/well/family/more-college-students-seem-to-be-majoring-in-perfectionism.html

Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale: 

https://www.idrlabs.com/multidimensional-perfectionism/test.php

This is 40

A friend recently asked me how I felt about turning 40. She should have known better, because this particular friend knows how I can turn a simple question into a long, drug out story...and eventual blog post.

So, in true Carrie Bradshaw fashion, “I couldn’t help but wonder”…How DO I feel about turning 40?  Lucky for my friend, she was almost to work and she didn’t have to hear my entire thought process on the subject.  I did get the chance to ask her the same question, as she is turning 40 later this year.  I, admittedly, was jealous of her ability to respond to the same question with total confidence that 40 was truly, nothing but a number and nothing to be worried about.  She was exactly where she felt she needed to be.  

I reflect back to when I turned 30.  I was married 6 months prior to my lovely husband, Ben.  I celebrated at a small Seattle dive bar, called the Zoo Bar with said friend I just referenced as well as a number of other great friends who graciously played along with my request that all guests had to wear animal print.  I mean, it was the Zoo Bar, after all.   I had no reservations about turning 30, because I was, seemingly, where I felt that I needed to be.  Living it up and loving life. 

I reflect back to when I turned 21.  Well, maybe, let’s not go there.  :) 

So here I am, at the cusp of 40.  Over the hill, as they say, as if to insinuate, it’s all downhill from here.  Maybe that is why I’m having some reservations on what should be a momentous birthday.    

I was in a texting thread with a few of my college friends just the other night and it’s funny to think about how our conversations have changed over the years. We discussed the presence of “jowls,” the amount of money we now spend on “anti-aging cream,” how any level of physical activity requires pre and post ibuprofen and how we (mostly me) now has to color every other month to “manage the grey.” I've had the frightening realization that the days of diaper changing will soon be a thing of the past and the days of needing to wear one is, seemingly, in my not so distant future.

I am now at an age of watching reboots of shows that I watched when they originally came out and one of the toughest Jagged Little Pills to swallow is that 90’s music is now considered “oldies.” The interesting thing about turning 40 is that physically, I feel all of my 40 years, but mentally, I’m just not there, because 40 is old and I’m not old, right? 

If I am to be truly honest with myself , I recognize that my 40th birthday reservations come from a place of understanding that many of life’s special moments are behind me.  Most notably my youth, my high school and college years, my life in the city, my wedding, and the birth of all of my children.  All of those moments are now in the rear view.  

But, as my friend pointed out, we are where we need to be. Yes, turning 40 has really made me think about what I have and haven’t accomplished and although I’m proud of that which I’ve done, there is a lot left on my TO DO list. And... if I’m going to accomplish those things, I’d better put on my mom jeans and sensible flats, grab a drink and a Tide Pen, because I’m certain to spill either my coffee or wine on myself in the process.  I need to think about all that’s left to do, because life isn’t over at 40.   

With age, I’ve learned, that there are so many things I can’t do anymore, like somersaults.  (I actually tried one the other day with my two year old and I hurt my neck.)  I can't drink all night and function the next day. I can't jump on a trampoline without an accident. I can't eat whatever I want and think that heartburn won't be an issue.

But, there are also things I can do now that I couldn't do in my youth, like pay my bills or understand what a deductible is. Manage a job, a home and a family. Care more deeply for others than myself. I’m doing my best to embrace the changes and new stages of adulthood.  I mean, 40 is the new 30 right? 

In the 10 years since celebrating my 30th at the Zoo Bar, I’ve been blessed with the most beautiful family that I could have ever imagined.  I may not have married Gavin Rossdale and that's okay. Ben has continued to love and thankfully, put up with me. I've got some pretty sweet gal pals that don't hold back when discussing the nitty gritty of aging gracefully, or maybe I should say, (dis)gracefully.  

I certainly don't have it all, but I have everything I need and that is exactly where I need to be.

The Elf-less on the Shelf-less

There are some age old traditions that embody the Christmas season.  For some, it’s baking Christmas cookies and for others, it’s putting together the family Christmas card.  More recently for many, a new tradition has made its way into the annual Christmas tradition list and that new tradition is…..  

The Elf on the Shelf.  

This cute little elf that creepily, er..I mean, magically, makes its way into your home, watches your children’s every move and monitors whether or not their behavior is appropriate enough to warrant a gift from the Big Guy in Red.  If not, that cute little elf will tattle on your children and ensure that they will not be allowed the age old tradition of receiving a gift on Christmas morning.  The irony in all this, is that this cute little elf is often mischievous in it’s own right and is found every single morning in a new location and always doing something cute and clever.  

My 8 year old son feels that our family is missing out because we don’t have an elf in our home.  Being the Grinch that I am, I told him that I didn’t want him to behave solely to appease the uninvited little visitor from the North Pole that hides out in houses December 1st-24th.  I wanted him to behave because it is the right thing to do and that I expected it out of him.  He told me that he knew it wasn’t a “real elf” and that he wanted one because all of his friends had one and it would be a fun thing to wake up to in the morning.  

I mean, if all of his friends have one, then that absolutely means that we have to get one right and by all means, please tell me how I can make your mornings more fun? (Insert Sarcasm)

I’m not caving on this one.  To all the amazing parents out there that have adapted this new, energy sucking tradition, my elf hats off to you.  

Here is why I am not going to do this.  

As if Christmas isn’t already stressful enough, you want me to come up with clever ideas, on the daily, of how and where to put this little velvety monster?  I feel like I barely have enough time to go to the bathroom.  

And really?!?! My son wants something fun to wake up to? How about playing with the gobs of toys that are sitting in his room and playroom that see, maybe a minute, of playing time a year.  

I swear, this is just one more thing to do besides buying all the gifts, wrapping all the gifts, decorating for the holiday, preparing for the holidays and all around ensuring that this season is magical for everyone besides you.   

So, to those that have an elf, I commend you and your efforts.  And...to the actual elf, a big middle finger to you and thanks, but no thanks. I don’t need any help knowing that my children are misbehaving.  

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from The Elf-less of the Shelf-less, Hammer Family.  

Back To School: Mental Health & COVID-19

As my children have returned to school, I’ve struggled with how to talk to them about the

mental health issues related to COVID-19. How much is too much information?  How much is

not enough? I often wonder if my children are sick of hearing discussions about “feelings” or

more specifically, the mental health impact of COVID-19. Consequently though, limiting the

discussions, limiting the conversation and avoiding the obvious implications of this virus, is an

even worse method of “dealing with it.”  I’m cautious not to minimize their experience, but yet,  if I focus all of my attention on the negative...the anxieties, the challenges or the grief, I allow my children to stay in a place of negativity, which I fear, turns into a mindset of victimization.  Why me? Why is my experience ruined?  I can’t do that. I have to find another way.  

An issue that I often struggle with as a parent is...what level of mental/emotional or even physical discomfort do I need to allow my children to work through for themselves in order for them to feel as though they are independently coping on their own.  If I eliminate all discomfort, they become unable to tolerate it, but consequently, I don’t want to overwhelm them with discomfort.  What is the right balance? 

Most importantly, I want my children to know that I hear them.  I know that it doesn’t make it better to say that we are all struggling, but there is a sense of communal comradery that can occur when everyone within that community can share in that same experience.  Being able to identify with the struggles of others is advantageous to being a more empathetic person.  I want my children to be empathized with, but also want them to be able to empathize with others.   

So, how do we, as parents, “deal with” our emotional response to our children amidst the COVID-19 pandemic that has rapidly spiraled out of control? 

1. We thoughtfully examine what control we DO have in our own lives.  How can we (to the best of our ability) control the decisions that we make in our own life.  What truths can we tell ourselves that will help us to manage the emotional response we have.  

If I were to allow my control to be completely externalized; or outside of myself, to assume that I have  no ability to control what happens to me, my anxiety would be wildly out of control.  We need to realize that there are decisions that we can make on a daily basis that will make us feel more in control of our specific situation.  For example, although we cannot control the community spread of the virus, we can control the measures that we take to manage and mitigate our own risk.  We have choices that we can make that will put us at more or less of a risk.  

What are you telling yourself that is a truth statement versus an assumption made?  Is it a truth statement to say that you will not have a good year or is it an assumption that you’ve made that could possibly dictate your experience?  Be cautious to stay in the mindset of speaking your truths versus believing and acting upon anxious assumptions.  

2. We acknowledge that it will be different, it will be weird and we adjust our expectations accordingly.  To assume it will be “business as usual,” is wrong, but to assume that “everything will be awful” is also wrong.  With such uncertainty, we can’t go into the beginning of the school year with a “this or that” mindset.  Expect that it will be different. It won’t be the same as it was, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s going to be awful.  It will take some adjustment.

3. Balance is KEY!!!  Like any situation, you need to have balance in your life in order to function and extremes in any direction limit a person’s ability to function appropriately.  A swing of the pendulum too far in one direction is the child/parent who is so consumed by anxiety of the virus that they isolate to a point of extreme dysfunction. (Aside, of course, are those isolating out of medical necessity.) However, the pendulum can swing so far in the other direction to the child/parent who is so oblivious to the realities of the virus that they become a risk to themselves and others.  

4. The power of peer/parent culture and observational learning.  I’ve spent a lot of time with my children over the course of the last five months and one thing I’ve learned is the power in observational learning. If my 8 year old son jumps off the couch, pretending to be Spider-man, you can 100% bet that my 2 year old son is right behind him, trying to do the same thing.  

If we, as parents, underscore the importance of making healthy decisions, so will our children. They are in a particularly vulnerable place and are looking for guidance whether they would admit that or not.  They will look to you to see if you downplay the importance of wearing a mask or social distancing.  Peer/parental culture will nearly always win and we, collectively, are depended upon to determine what that culture will be.  

I’m sending my daughter off to Kindergarten this year.  I grieved for her lost Kindergarten experiences and initially, only focused on what she wasn’t getting the opportunity to do.  However, while wallowing in MY own grief, I realized that she wasn’t grieving as much as me.  She didn’t necessarily know any different.  She didn’t know she was going to miss out on eating in big groups in the cafeteria, she didn’t know she was missing out on big school assemblies and she most certainly didn’t know that in years prior, she could have sat with her friends on the bus and not JUST her older brother.  I had to start listening to what she was excited about and not focus solely on my own narrow perspective that was making many inaccurate assumptions about what her experience was going to be. She was incredibly excited about her new dress, her new shoes, her new teacher, learning and spending time with friends.

I hope, for all of our sake, that our children get the opportunity to stay in school and to learn and thrive in their academics and extracurriculars.  We will do the absolute best that we can to have an attitude that fosters hope, but yet, flexibility if need be.  We are strong and resilient and so are our children.  

Our "Positive" COVID-19 Story

As we emerge from the depths of our COVID-19 quarantine, I am reflecting on the many overwhelming emotions that we experienced throughout those two weeks.  Despite appreciating the time that we had together as a family, much of the time was overshadowed by anxiety, guilt, anger and shame.  What a truly different perspective we have now, watching the news, or scrolling social media, all with the terrifying knowledge that the virus was residing in our home and even more so, in our bodies.  So much happened in the time that we were in quarantine and it felt as though the world was collapsing around us.  

Here is a bit more about our story.  

On May 22nd, my husband received the news that he tested positive for COVID-19.  It was the Friday before Memorial Day weekend. The Monday prior, he was tested by the local health department.  I had seen a Facebook post advertising that free testing would be available locally, so I signed him up.   My husband works as a low voltage technician for a company out of Lincoln.  That company has a contract with a poultry producer that has two plants and two farms, and my husband is the tech that is assigned to that producer.  I’ve worried from the beginning that he was at a greater risk, working where he did, and that it wasn’t a matter of if he was going to get COVID-19, it was a matter of when.  

At that time, I was slated to return to work the week after Memorial Day, but only actually in the office on a part-time basis.  The kids have been out of daycare and we were going to continue to keep them out and hire a neighbor to babysit for the couple days of the week that I would be in the office. In my mind, we were protecting our children from possible exposure at daycare, but little did we know, we were actually protecting the children at daycare from being exposed by us. My rationale for signing my husband up for a test was for peace of mind, not only for ourselves, but for the fact that we were going to have a babysitter coming into our home.   

Let me be clear, he had NO symptoms at the time he was tested.  He was passing through a thermal body temperature scanner at work and was getting the “green light.”  The only symptom he had prior to getting the positive test on the following Friday morning (5 days after his test) was a slightly elevated temperature late Thursday night.  All in all, he ended up having about two days of fever, body aches and his sense of smell has yet to return.   

I’m ashamed to admit that my first concern was, “what are people going to think,” and not, “I hope that my husband is going to be okay.”  Maybe because to me, he seemed okay.  It was only a matter of time before the “worst case scenario” type thinking quickly set in.  

Immediately following the call from the health department confirming his positive test, my husband had to call his employer in order for them to start doing contact tracing. Even prior to this, I took the guidance of social distancing quite seriously, so for me, there were very few people I had to contact in the time frame for potential exposure.  However, no one can prepare you for the few, but still very uncomfortable conversations I did have to have.  It made me sick (figuratively) each time I’d contact someone. It was as though you have to emotionally prepare yourself for an angry response, even though, luckily for us, no one ever was.  Each actually helped to remind me that this was not my or my husband’s fault. (The only humor in any of this was when I was reminded of that episode of the Office where Michael Scott calls all of his ex-girlfriends to tell them that he had herpes when it was only a cold sore.) :) 

The fact is, I’m actually quite proud of my husband.  I know that he’ll never be lauded as the front line healthcare workers are and that’s okay.  He wouldn’t want the attention anyway.  But what he did do is, he continued to work everyday, knowing that his company and his family needed him, well aware of what the reality of contracting this virus meant. People need to eat and the machines that he works on need to be functioning properly.  I think that part of my intense emotional response to all of this was out of fear that someone might gossip about him or about our family.  

The first day of his positive test, I cried A LOT.  I am a crier anyway, but every time I was faced with a conversation about it, I would cry every.damn.time. 

Within a few days and throughout the next two weeks, I felt guilty.  I felt guilty that we weren’t more sick than what we were.  I felt guilty that other people were dying from this and we were merely inconvenienced.  I felt guilty that the world is in upheaval and we can’t do anything about it.  I felt guilty still feeling sorry for myself knowing that there is so much ACTUAL pain and suffering in the world and that our problems didn’t compare to the injustices that other people faced everyday.  

I felt angry.  (It was as though I was following the regular stages of grief.)  I felt angry that he wasn’t protected better.  I felt angry that he even had to go to a place with known cases.  At a higher level, I felt angry (and betrayed) at how our administration was downplaying it.  (I don’t really want to get political, it was just how I honestly felt at the time.)  I felt angry about all the people enjoying their Memorial Day weekend by spending time with family and friends, all while knowing they weren’t adequately protecting themselves from contracting the virus.  

I also felt weird around my husband.  I felt protective of him, but I also felt protective of our children.  I didn’t want him making or serving any food to them.  I didn’t want him emptying the dishwasher.  I didn’t want him playing with them.  I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but I couldn’t help but allow my fears to dictate my decision making.  As the days went on, I worried about my husband, yes, but man, did I worry about my children.  Ever heard of Multisystem Inflammatory Syndrome?  Well I hadn’t either until I started my research on how COVID-19 affects children and then I couldn’t stop researching it. I was incessantly checking fevers, asking them how they were feeling, thinking everything was unusual.  Do they usually breathe like that?  Oh my God, one of them coughed...one of them sneezed... I was truly allowing my fears to overwhelm my rational thinking and irrationally believing that each cough and sneeze was a death sentence.  

This is the closest thing for me to know what it is like to have had an intruder in my home.  But, instead of someone stealing my belongings, this intruder stole my peace of mind and left me feeling out of control and helpless.  Even as I sanitized appliances, countertops, door handles and light switches.  Even as I washed and re-washed blankets and bedding.  Even as we all washed our hands relentlessly, nothing really worked to bring us a sense of peace.   

Until you experience it, it is hard to explain the overwhelming sense of shame that I felt.  I made all of these unfair and untrue assumptions about what people would think about us.  I felt like we had become, “that family” with COVID-19 and how they brought that virus to our town or to our neighborhood.  

I cried as I drafted an email to those in our neighborhood.  There isn’t a specific checklist of “due diligence” in terms of COVID-19 reporting, but since we have a shared mailbox, I felt that they needed to be informed as well as know the precautions that we were taking.  I shared with them that I would wear a mask and gloves to check the mail and sanitize the box afterward.  I let them know that my children would stay on our property and would not be riding their bikes on the road or anywhere near anyone else’s property. I let them know that if they were uncomfortable in any way, that we would do our best to address their concerns.  The shame was weighing heavily on me.   

Within a few minutes, I received a response and my stomach turned, but it wasn’t what I expected.  It was an email from a couple down the road that have probably lived in my neighborhood for over a year and I hardly know them, offering to get us groceries if we needed.  And that was just the start of it.  Several of my neighbors that live close by also offered up getting groceries or “whatever we needed.”  And, they didn’t only check in once, several checked in multiple times throughout the week, just to be sure we were okay and making sure we didn’t need something. Some actually did get us groceries and others got us mulch, because I mean, if you are home for two weeks, you need to get at least one home project done.  Literally, nearly everyone in our little neighborhood reached out, offering to help in some capacity.   The tremendous shame that I felt early on turned to gratitude as we were met with so much generosity. 

Both of my sisters and father in law brought groceries and left them on our doorstep.  You may be thinking to yourself, “Wow, how many times did people need to get groceries for them?” But when you literally cannot leave and you have a family of five eating all three meals plus snacks, you go through groceries quickly and as my husband says, “It is absolute mutiny if there isn’t enough milk and Goldfish in the house.”  

My father in law also picked us up a kiddie pool and some chalk so the kids had something to do while in quarantine.  

My parents, aunt and friends were constantly checking in on us and kept us in good spirits.  My work family has been so incredible throughout our quarantine and even in the months prior.  My husband’s work also checked in on him regularly.  It's truly been incredible

What hasn't been so incredible is seeing how this virus has divided our country.  I don’t want to seem as though I have the answers. I don't want to fight about whether or not we open up the country, whether or not we wear a mask or whether or not we continue to socially distance. (Although personally, I still plan to make reasonable efforts to protect my family and any compromised individuals.) What I am hoping to take from my family’s experience with this virus is to eliminate the divisiveness. To acknowledge that when we needed help, help was there.  When we felt shame, we were met with support. People that I knew very well and people I hardly knew, were ready and willing to lend a hand.  

There is a lot going on in the world, and although that is a much bigger conversation, I also just want to acknowledge that for a brief moment in time, I felt as though we didn’t belong, I felt as though we would be judged, I felt isolated.  I felt out of control and unable to take care of my family…..and that was just for two weeks.  I wonder how I would feel if that is how I was made to feel for generations.  For me, it is an absolute testament to the value in acknowledging what someone is going through and lending a hand of support. Most certainly something that I should be thinking about and practicing regularly.

My husband and family are lucky to have fared as well as we did.  I thank God that my husband was able to return to work, that I am able to return to work, that our children have remained healthy and relatively happy (although they are ready to have some fun summer social interaction.) I am thankful that we were surrounded with kindness and I hope to share that same kindness with others.  

If I am to think "positive" I would say that our quarantine gave us some much needed perspective. To not take for granted your health. To not take for granted your time spent with loved ones. To not take for granted your ability to kiss your husband goodnight.

The following are a few photos that embody our time in quarantine.  Specifically, I’d like to share a five-page comic drawn by my daughter.  For reference, we asked the kids to draw a book or comic as an activity (and as a way for mom and dad to get a break.)  I know this is just a pink and rainbow-y comic drawn by a five year old girl, but the content seemed so interestingly spot on, considering the world we live in.  (She came up with the story and asked her brother to write the words.) My interpretation is that a member of her so called “Love Team” saw something happening and decided to intervene.  When the toothy, heart shape figure was shown kindness and asked to play, the scariness went away and the two of them were able  to have some fun together.  For me, it exemplifies how kindness could and should, shape our interactions with one another today and everyday.  

"The Adventures of the Love Team" by Aurora Hammer 

Our kiddie pool from Grandpa Roger.  It kept the kids cool on those 90+ degree days.  

Aunt Tara brought us groceries, but stayed to chat while staying socially distanced, of course. 

I saw this posted on my cousin Emily's Facebook page and I loved it and think it has such a great message. #loveyourneighbor #noexceptions