First Time College Parents 101

First Time College Parents 101

I work at a small liberal arts college and in the summer, we welcome our new students to campus to do all the things to prepare for the upcoming fall semester...register for classes, turn in all necessary documentation, essentially, acclimate to campus.  My very small role in this process is to moderate a discussion for parents to ask questions of panelists from respective departments across campus to ensure that parents feel they know all they need to know and mostly importantly, to feel comfortable leaving their son or daughter in the fall.  

I have to imagine that this process is not only overwhelming for students, but also for parents.  You expect students to be anxious, but because of the role that I play in this process, I see and feel the anxiety of the parents.  I just want to say to them, I hear you.  

Parents play a vital role in the collegiate success of their students, so if you are the parent of a soon to be college bound student, feel free to read on.  If your children have years to go before they graduate, read on anyway, because they will be there eventually. :)  

I recently saw a Facebook post of a parent of a student who had recently graduated high school. It was actually kind of cute and ironic in that she said, “Check in on the parents of high school seniors,” as if to insinuate that they are not okay. Isn’t it interesting to think that our focus is generally on the experience of the seniors and we forget all about the experience of the parents. Parents, as well, are navigating unfamiliar territory and need to be checked in on. Having a child go to college is just as new of an experience as actually going to college. It’s an interesting dance of where do you take a step back and let them lead?  And...if you let them lead, and they are taking a lot of mis-steps, at what point do you intervene and take the lead back?  

I also recently had a conversation with a family physician and she was mentioning to me that she had had some conversations with some soon to be college bound patients about some of the realities of college life.  She and I were quite surprised by how few of these difficult conversations these patients were having with their parents and it inspired me to write about a way to (hopefully) facilitate these conversations.  And...as much as we want to believe that college campuses are wholesome communities where your child is strictly receiving an education, we all know the realities of what can potentially be ahead and when opportunity presents itself, things can potentially happen.  And when you don’t have parental supervision/support around, they are much more likely to happen.  

As parents, or at least for me, there seems to be about a million different anxious thoughts going through my head in regards to my children, but very few of those thoughts translate into actual conversations.  Right now, my children are a bit younger, but for college aged students, they are now finally at an age where those thoughts/conversations could and should happen and if they do, I can assure you that both you and your child will be better prepared for this next chapter in both of your lives.  

In the workshops that I do for the freshman when they get to campus, I try to prepare them for the next 9 months.  Little do they know how much their life is going to change.  I try to prepare them for what will be one of the most fun, and yet, most challenging years of their life.  When can you think of another time in a person’s life where there is so much dramatic change?  New school, new community, new instructors, new expectations, new coaches, new food, new living arrangement and let’s be real, very few students nowadays have ever had to share a room.  All of this “newness” at a time when they are separated from the support system that they’ve known for the last 18 years.  Oh..and have fun, but not too much fun.  Aww, you are still my baby, but yet, you are an adult now, so act like it.   

My hope is to provide you with information and feedback based on my experiences in working with college aged students, but please keep in mind that information based on my experience isn’t always the experience that everyone has. Some points may resonate with you and others may not.  In the very least, I hope to provide you with a framework for understanding your child’s freshman year in hopes of preparing you and your child to navigate that experience.  

The drop off...and the first few weeks - The discomfort of anxiety

Has anyone ever seen the movie “Finding Nemo?”  I know this seems kinda off topic, but bear with me.  The dad clownfish, Marlin, becomes very anxious when he learns that his son, Nemo, visited the area of the ocean called the drop off.  

“The drop off is where the reef ends and open water begins. Many fish native to the reef are often forbidden from wandering off beyond this point since a lot of dangers tend to wait for them in open water, like the scuba divers who occasionally come to their reef.”

I hope that this analogy is making a little more sense now.  The reef is kinda like your home and college is where your child is being thrust into open water.  There are dangers, albeit, maybe not shark infested waters, swarms of jellyfish, or the ever so dangerous scuba divers, but dangers indeed.  

Anyone feeling kinda like Marlin?  

There is no denying it, dropping your son/daughter off at college for the very first time is heartbreaking.  I can’t even tell you how many parents I’ve seen crying as they said their final goodbyes.  It breaks my heart and I haven’t even had to do it yet.  The only comparison that I’ve experienced to date is the day when I had to drop each of my three children off at daycare when I returned to work.  That first day is heartbreaking, but each day gets easier and easier.  I’m hoping that is your experience with your son/daughter at college.  It will become your new norm and all of you will get through it.  

Anticipate that the first few weeks of school are going to be hard.  Some students transition better than others, but expect that will be hard.  The peace of mind that I have to offer is that, as I said earlier, it will become their new norm and with familiarity comes less anxiety.  

The best feedback that I can offer in these really challenging first few weeks is to continue to be in contact and continue to be supportive, but also, continue to challenge the anxiety that is causing them discomfort and support them in realizing how successful they can be independently.  Acknowledge that their homesickness is real, but most likely, very temporary.  It’s a reality that few escape, but one that most get through. Keep a countdown for when you get to see them again.  Encourage them to take a few things that remind them of home and that makes their new home feel like their old one.  (Blankets, candles/scents from home, a stuffed animal, pictures, etc.)

Our kids are just like us. 

In my nearly 10 years in higher education, there are similar themes to what happens prior to students getting referred over to counseling services.  Our college students are no different than we are.  We want to be successful and so do they.  We struggle with asking for help and so do they.  

But, once they fail their first exam or they aren’t as successful as they had hoped in their activity, like everyone, they start shutting down and shutting people out.  I’m not going to say that it doesn’t suck, BUT, my best feedback is to not fall susceptible to the 3 I’s...Internalize, Isolate and Ignore.  

*When you internalize, you allow a very assumptive narrative to take over.  I’m so stupid, I’m less talented than everyone else, I don’t fit in here, I’m not going to be successful.  

*When you isolate, you deny support from others, your friends, your family and all the resources that are made available to you on campus.  

*When you ignore, you ignore very obvious problems and hope your problems go away.  They don’t, problems get worse when you do nothing about it.  

Normalize with your son or daughter their failures.  They are new at this whole college thing.  They don’t realize that they have the entire semester to improve their GPA and most likely, they will.  But...what I see is the 3 I’s that I referred to earlier.  They internalize their feelings of inadequacy or shame, which turns into isolating, not wanting to tell others, specifically parents, about the shame that they are experiencing and often to a point where they allow one small issue to fester into a myriad of issues.  The point in which they finally show up to see me is where they can’t ignore anymore.  Their grades have plummeted, their relationships have suffered and they feel that they have created a scenario where they have no other option. Trust me, they have options. Maybe the option is to drop a class.  Maybe the option is to get a tutor.  There are almost always options.   

My hope by having these conversations early is that you catch the issue early, before it festers, before it escalates into a bigger issue.  By normalizing early failures, you foster an environment of communication and eliminate the idea of an expectation of perfection and love being based strictly on perfect performances.     

I want to be certain to note that my normalization of failure is in no way my attempt to promote mediocrity, but in my experience, I don’t want early failures to dictate whether or not students are successful in the future.  By eliminating the sense of shame that often accompanies early failures, we instill this type of forgiving mindset that allows us to maintain a much more positive sense of self.  

Relationships intensify in college in a number of ways.  

Because students are in an unfamiliar setting, it’s common for them to grasp onto new relationships very quickly as a method of alleviating the anxiety of being alone or merely perceiving themselves as being alone.  

There is great discomfort in the perception of being alone and with any level of discomfort, we seek to find relationships that provide us with a sense of belonging.  If you luck out, your student will find a friend or significant relationship that is positive, but that isn’t always the case and I have heard on numerous occasions, that student’s reported having a friend that they were once “inseparable” with, that they are no longer friends.  My belief is that the original reason for the friendship was not out of mutual interest or common values, it was purely out of discomfort avoidance and the anxiety that accompanies the perception of loneliness.  

When my daughter was 6, she started dance lessons and I entered into a world of unknowns.  When it came to recital time, I was bombarded with picture day, dress rehearsals, a very specific hair and makeup regimen, costume changes and a very overwhelming weekend of dance times and places where she needed to be.  It just so happened that I didn’t know any of the other dance moms in my daughter’s specific class.  On picture day, I met a mom that was a friend of a friend and I latched onto her like you wouldn’t believe.  I felt comforted by her similar sense of feeling overwhelmed and confused.  Knowing that I had someone to walk through the process with me was so much better than feeling as though I was going through it alone.  I use this example as a way of saying I get it...but...make them aware of this tendency and encourage them to choose wisely.  

Choosing a major is a big deal and absolutely one that students need to choose for themselves.  

I recall being an advisor and I shuddered when students would say that they are only majoring in something because their parents wanted them to.  Although I will never downplay the importance of parental involvement, like anything, there can be too much of a good thing.  

To the best of your ability, don’t disparage an ARTS degree or insinuate they will never be gainfully employed with a Psychology degree.  If you are concerned about a major choice, my feedback to you would be, ask them questions about what type of jobs they are interested in with that degree or quite possibly, why they are interested in earning that type of degree.  Immediately placing judgement on one of their first collegiate decisions they make will discourage them from discussing with you their decisions in the future.  

Is it their anxiety or is it our own? 

I want us to take a really hard look at ourselves and how we feel that our own anxiety is going to manifest our own decision making process.  For many of us, and yes, I’m including myself in this, our anxiety manifests in control.  Controlling parents often have the absolute best of intentions, but like I was saying earlier, it can be too much. 

I had a session with a student this past semester in which he initiated counseling to get support in “How to talk to his mom about the controlling ways in which she is affecting his academic success.”  To give you a little bit of background, this student was a junior about to go into his senior year.  The student reported that his mom would check his email and learning system notifications.  She would then call and ask why certain assignments were not turned in yet and to what extent he was working on other assignments that had upcoming due dates. He became so frustrated by her level of intrusiveness that he avoided her calls and out of spite, stopped turning in his assignments.  Her intense level of intervention actually had the opposite effect of what she had wanted.  It made him feel as though he had no control over his own academic experience.  

Now, the context of mom’s story is incredibly important in understanding her perspective. She makes a lot more sense and it gives us a better perspective as to why she felt she needed to intervene at that level. Both mom and her husband attended college and both dropped out prior to completing their degrees.  Although they have had success in their lives, mom has always been disappointed in herself that she never finished college.  The student had one older sister who also went to college and after a few years, also dropped out.  Mom’s perspective is one of, “I don’t want to see this happen to anyone else,” and she is doing everything she can to prevent her son from also dropping out.  Her anxiety is driving her decision making and although we can understand it, it doesn’t make it okay.  The reality of the situation is that he got sick and was, only for a short while, behind in a few assignments.  He had not otherwise been academically struggling.  

How can you, as a parent, acknowledge your own anxiety and how it may impact the level of control that you have in your student’s academic experience?  What are some ways that you can continue to play a role in their experience, but still allow them the autonomy to make decisions on their own and be proud of their accomplishments but also, accountable for their failures.  

*Ask them how they did on an exam versus checking their exam scores on their learning system platform. 

*Ask them about the resources that they are utilizing for academic assistance. 

*Fight the urge to check their email/app notifications, even if they gave you the password. 

*Help them to set up an online calendar so that they can utilize their time throughout the week. Maybe even set up a weekly phone call so that you can ensure that you get time to talk to them.

*Talk to them about keeping a consistent schedule and try not to get into the habit of staying up all night and taking long naps during the day.  (I compare college students to babies and how you have to keep them on a consistent routine, otherwise you’ll see a definite mood deterioration.) 

*With the calendar, help them to understand a block schedule and utilizing day time to study versus thinking they have all sorts of free time.  (The old adage is that for one hour of class time, there should be roughly three hours of study time.) 

 

Highschool Versus College  

Your subscription to information on your child just got cancelled and one of the main reasons for doing this workshop is to help you navigate that cancellation process.  

*As a high school student, parents get semester or maybe even quarterly academic progress notes or report cards.  This is not true of a college student.  The only access you will have to your student’s GPA or academic progress, is through your student. 

*As a high school student, you will be made aware of any behavioral issues.  This is not true of a college student.  You will only be made aware of behavioral issues if they tell you.  (I believe that exceptions can be made if safety becomes an issue or if authorities are involved.) 

* As a high school student, you will be made aware if your student is struggling academically and is in need of additional support.  As a college student, student’s have to access the support on their own and you will not be made aware if they are struggling, nor will academic support reach out to them.    

This is a good segway into academic accommodations.  For any student that is eligible for academic accommodations because of a prior diagnosis or high school IEP, please know that your student has to reach out to the appropriate collegiate staff to set that up.  Many assume that documentation is sent to the college or that it would be automatically assumed with accommodations set up in high school.  I can tell you now that it is not.  My feedback to you, as someone who has worked in this department, even if you think that you’ll be okay without accommodations, if you have a diagnosis or suspect that you might use them, get them set up as soon as possible and choose not to use them.  By waiting, and by struggling academically and trying to play catch up is much more difficult.  

The College Roommate 

Has your son or daughter ever shared a room? If they haven’t, get ready, because this will be an entirely new experience for them. Talk with your student about what to expect from a roommate.  Living with a stranger is bound to cause a lot of anxiety, and rightfully so, but, it’s also an incredible opportunity to learn about someone new.  I want to caution students from avoiding this anxiety by living with a friend that they know from high school.  Sometimes it works out great, but definitely not always and having a history with someone makes it even more difficult if it doesn’t work out.  

Talk with your student about setting boundaries with their roommate immediately. As a person who has sat in on and facilitated a number of roommate mediations, this gets ugly and it can get ugly fast.  You think it’s awkward to tell your roommate that you don’t want anyone of the opposite gender spending the night? Imagine how awkward it is when they are getting busy in the bed right next to you.  Students learn what they can and can’t get away with very quickly with a new roommate and believe me, if they think that they can, they absolutely will.  Because why, you never said they couldn’t.   

Have the conversation with your roommate about overnight guests. 

Have the conversation with your roommate about eating your food.  

Have the conversation with your roommate about borrowing your clothes. 

Have the conversation with your roommate about drinking in your room

Have the conversation with your roommate about anything that you think can cause an issue.    

Encourage them to be as transparent of a communicator as possible and avoid the idea of, “I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.”  The longer that they allow inappropriate behavior to occur, the more difficult it will be to say something.  Communicate before resentment starts to build and set appropriate boundaries right away.   

FERPA Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act 

FERPA defines an eligible student as a student who has reached 18 years of age or is attending a postsecondary institution at any age. This means that, at the secondary level, once a student turns 18, all the rights that once belonged to his or her parents transfer to the student.

“When a student turns 18 years old or enters a postsecondary institution at any age, all rights afforded to you as a parent under FERPA transfer to the student ("eligible student").”

https://www2.ed.gov/policy/gen/guid/fpco/brochures/parents.html

*This is a federal law that has lots of regulations and I am hesitant to provide a lot more information because of all of the exceptions and exclusions.  However, what I want you to know is that you can encourage your son or daughter to sign a FERPA waiver and that will allow you to have access to records that you wouldn’t have access to otherwise.  Generally there are several areas that your son or daughter can choose to allow access, for instance, academic, financial or personal.  

“Infantilize”

Infantilize is a term that has been picked up recently by scholars to describe the way in which parents oftentimes treat their children in ways that promote or prolong dependency, as if you would an infant.  I don’t think that any one of us can argue that our experience as children is wildly different that the experience of children presently.  I’d bet that we, as adults, can nearly, without a doubt, say that the expectations that we had as children clearly surpass the expectations that we have for our children.  Now, that’s not to say that their experience has been any more or less difficult, but it is definitely different.  This term has been used as a way to describe the way in which parents often foster a relationship with their children that promotes dependence on them or the level of involvement that the parent has is comparable to the level of involvement that parents would have when their children are infants.  (Ex. monitoring, intervention, ect.) 

I’m obviously not in the business of offending anyone, but I do have to state the obvious.  We, as parents, need to be mindful of the way that we now intervene and behave in a way that fosters independent decision making and problem solving versus fostering dependence.  They are going to look to you to make decisions and it is up to us to encourage them to make their own.  

I say this because I am a part of a department that is frequentyly notified of concerns or more often, complaints.  We are obviously an institution that is preparing students academically for future careers, we are also an institution that is preparing students for becoming an adult and surviving and thriving in the real world. Departmentally, our goals are to help students to learn to solve our own problems, deal with their own consequences and navigate the discomfort of anxiety, all with support, of course.    

This is a concept that I personally struggle with and I recognize that.  My personal story involved very “hands off” parents and isn’t it interesting that I’m the complete opposite. However, what I’ve grown to understand is that there is this very dichotomous situation where we, as parents, want and/or expect our children to be dependent and compliant in their relationship with us, yet we want them to be opinionated and autonomous in the real world.  We then, as parents, have to start fostering that independence and autonomy now and in our relationship with them, even if we don’t necessarily agree.  

Going Home

Going to college is stressful, but as much as none of us want to admit it, it’s stressful for our students to return home.  They’ve taken care of themselves for how long and now they have returned to someone else’s household. Talk to them about household expectations when they come home. Will they now have a curfew?  Will their significant other be allowed to stay over?  Are they expected to have a job and/or pay you rent? 

Although it might be stressful, it might also be a huge relief. Is there a favorite meal that they can look forward to when they come home?  Is there a family tradition that you look forward to?  

And lastly, prepare them in the event that their room was taken over by a sibling or mom’s craft room.  You’d be surprised by how traumatic it can be for a college student to learn that they no longer have a room or space in their family home.  

In closure, 

Do what you can to validate your son or daughter’s feelings of anxiety, but don’t allow their anxiety to justify giving up.  Assess their anxiety and force the discomfort, because I can assure you, it nearly always gets better.  You know them better than anyone, so if you feel that their anxiety truly isn’t getting better, get them home or support their decision to leave, but don’t support that prematurely.  

Help your son or daughter to find their voice to self advocate.  No problem gets any better by doing or saying nothing about it.  Find someone, find your crew, your tribe, your whatever.  Just let them know that they don’t have to go about it all alone.  We are all really good actors and actresses, so unless you say something, no one may know your student isn’t okay.  

Lastly, you have been preparing your child to do this for the last 18 years.  Be proud of what you have done as a parent and trust that you’ve done everything you can to prepare them to be all that they can be. Know that there are going to be disappointments or God forbid, even failures,  but, as we all know, it isn’t until we experience the discomfort of failing, that we can know and truly appreciate success.  

If you’ve actually read this far, thank you for taking the time. Supporting students as they transition to college is a passion of mine.  If you would like to further consult, please feel free to reach out to me. 

The Problem with Perfection

My interest in this workshop did not come out of my own extensive clinical research on perfectionism and perfectionistic traits, but more so, the frequency of this as a presenting issue in students seeking counseling services.  I will admit though, it is often not until students are in an overwhelming level of distress, before they sought out counseling services.  A true testament to the level of perfection that each was experiencing and the challenge in admitting that they needed help.  

I’m going to define perfectionism for you, but please keep in mind, the way perfectionism impacts each person is going to be uniquely defined and dependent on each person’s personal experiences.  Where these traits come from and how they play out in each person’s life will vary greatly. Perfectionism, according to Webster's dictionary, is defined as a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable. 

As a counselor in a small college, perfectionism looks a little more like this….

*The nursing student who is so consumed by the 77% test average, that when they don’t meet that percentage criteria, they second guess their chosen professional identity. This is the student who identifies so strongly with grades that they can’t see that their profession requires much more than just a certain GPA.  

**The football player who has identified so strongly with being an athlete that they give themselves no option other than playing for all four years of college even though their minds and bodies are done. This is the student who feels that love for him is conditional and dependent on participation. 

***The ARTS student who feels that saying no is not an option and if they aren’t saying yes to everyone then they are disappointing everyone.  This is the student that is so over committed to everything that they can’t understand why everyone wouldn’t forego their own needs for the betterment of themselves and the ARTS program.    

As different as these student experiences are, the inherent feelings of inadequacy in self and others are all painfully similar.    

Perfectionism in and of itself, isn’t necessarily always a bad thing, and in fact, these types of traits are the basis for many, very successful people, however, it is important to consider at what level and ultimately, at what cost? Perfectionists tend to be high achievers, but, it is important to note that high achievers have a very different mindset than over achievers. Researchers on the topic of perfectionism make the distinction between perfectionists that are high achieving and adaptive versus overachieving and maladaptive.  Adaptive perfectionists understand the value in learning as a process and that mistakes are ultimately part of that process, which allows for continued engagement.   Maladaptive perfectionists tend to set unrealistic goals and feel a sense of failure when they don’t achieve them, which leads to procrastination and eventual disengagement.  Have you ever heard someone say that they can’t start a project if they can’t foresee it going perfectly? “If I can’t do it perfectly, I’m not going to do it at all.”  

The Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale is a scale used in determining the level and to what degree, individuals self-report perfectionistic traits and are categorized as either self oriented, socially prescribed and other oriented perfectionists and are defined below as: 

 

• Self-oriented, having an irrational desire to be perfect.

• I strive to be as perfect as I can be.

• It makes me uneasy to see an error in my work.

• I must work to my full potential at all times.

• I set very high standards for myself.

• Socially prescribed, perceiving excessive expectations from others.

• I find it difficult to meet others’ expectations of me.

• The people around me expect me to succeed at everything I do.

• I feel that people are too demanding of me.

• My family expects me to be perfect.

• Other-oriented, placing unrealistic standards on others.

• I can’t be bothered with people who won’t strive to better themselves.

• I cannot stand to see people close to me make mistakes.

• If I ask someone to do something, I expect it to be done flawlessly.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201502/which-type-perfectionist-are-you

Why is perfectionism problematic? 

The component of maladaptive perfectionism that is so damaging to self confidence and self worth is that the person is often only using one data point in making generalized determinations of self.  

I met with a nursing student that indicated that any test score below a 77% is a failing grade and therefore, that became her sole focus. The generalized statements that she, as a maladaptive perfectionist, would make when a grade fell below that standard was, “I am a failure and I don’t deserve to be a nurse.”  Statements such as these put so much emphasis on one test to determine her value as a potential nurse and overall person that she fails to see any other strengths or indicators that she could potentially be quite successful, despite one failed test.    

This student is a self prescribed perfectionist. The goal of scoring above a 77% test average isn’t necessarily an unrealistic goal, but the emphasis that she places on it and the unrealistic goal of never falling below that standard, has actually resulted in higher levels of anxiety and made studying and preparation for future exams, even more difficult.  The intrusive thoughts of academic inadequacy were so pervasive that she nearly quit the nursing program.  

Where does perfectionism originate? 

With any disorder or diagnostic symptom, it is important to be able to identify that which you struggle with in order to address it.  Are you more of an adaptive or maladaptive perfectionist?  Of the three types of maladaptive perfectionists, do you tend to be more self-oriented, socially prescribed or other oriented?  If you can identify that, where do you think those traits originated from?  

Although researchers believe that there is a possibility of a genetic predisposition for perfectionistic traits, these traits are also fostered through family experiences, many of which where families place a heightened emphasis on achievement.  Although it is difficult to specifically pinpoint the origin of these traits, a common denominator is the individual’s response to reinforcement.  Learning theorists might suggest that reinforced behaviors strengthen over time and when achievement is reinforced, the perfectionistic tendencies will be strengthened. 

I met with a football player who had been playing football since he was 5 years old.  His parents were athletes and placed a high value on athletic participation.  The student’s parents went to every game and were very proud of the football accomplishments that the student had achieved.  The student became so consumed by adhering to his perceived parental standard of athletic success that although he no longer wanted to participate, he felt that he had to in order not to risk disappointing them.   

This student is a socially prescribed perfectionist.  Although his parents placed value on the student’s athletic participation, it was unknown if they would, indeed, be disappointed by him choosing not to participate.  This student made the assumption that they would be disappointed and the narrative that presented in counseling was that he was unworthy of parental love if he was not participating in football.  To him, it was as though, that is the only reason that his parents would love him.  This student was so consumed by being the perfect athlete, that he had convinced himself that if he wasn’t an athlete, he was nothing.  Although it took several weeks for him to gather the courage to discuss his concerns with his parents, he was pleasantly surprised that his parents understood his reasoning for not wanting to participate and although they were sad to see his collegiate career come to and end, they were pleased that he came to them, discussed with them and no longer made his decisions under the false perfectionistic assumption that their love for him was dependent on playing football.  

The narrative that plays on repeat in the mind of a perfectionist needs to be challenged.   Where these traits originate is highly dependent on experiences, but nonetheless, these experiences often create a narrative that isn’t necessarily true, yet are strengthened over time.  As in the aforementioned example, the student convinced himself that love from his parents was dependent on athletic participation, and through some incredibly important self-disclosures and dialogue with his parents, it was determined that his narrative needed to be changed, which is understandably difficult, because it’s difficult to unlearn what we learned about ourselves over the course of our lifetime.  

Researchers are also studying the effects of social media and how it correlates with increased levels of perfectionism.   An article from The Guardian explained it well.  “Perfectionism can allow us to aim high and achieve great things. However, perfectionists are doomed to failure, because we set ourselves standards that are not attainable for humans. We will never meet our goals, to the detriment of our mental health and wellbeing. When we go online, we’re surrounded by platforms that appear to be full of other people meeting these goals. Intellectually, we know it’s all a lovely lie, but emotionally it’s a struggle. Feelings seem like facts.” 

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/jan/05/perfectionism-mental-health-millennial-social-media

I don’t think that there is any argument that the presence of social media correlates with higher levels of self identified perfectionism.  Specifically, what our students post on social media highlights their achievements, and rightfully so, but when the struggles or the process in which those achievements aren’t posted, it continues to perpetuate the false narrative that everyone else is perfect and I’m not.

What do we do if we struggle with perfectionism? 

When setting goals, students need to keep in mind that they need to be set within ability and within reason.  What we, as parents or counselors, should be doing is encouraging students to be achievement striving (not perfection striving) and just generally striving to do well.  However, understanding that it is impossible to do well all the time and to have some grace for ourselves and others when mistakes happen.

I met with an ARTS student who, quite literally, had next to no down time.  Even when I accessed his Google Calendar in order for me to look at available times for us to meet for counseling, there were very few hours not only in his day, but in his entire week.  This student, in particular, thrives on busyness and has a difficult time understanding how other students can’t “keep up,” the way that he can. He says yes to everything and thrives on making everyone else happy.  He was an ARTS workstudy, participated in band, choir, and all of the theatre productions.  Additionally, he was taking more than full time credits, an internship and part-time job.  

This student is an other oriented perfectionist.  Of course he had his own perfectionistic tendencies, but what sets this student apart, is that he, equally, had unrealistically high expectations of others.  Because this student can manage the schedule that he had, he would then expect that everyone else could manage it, which is absolutely not true.  What one can do, varies greatly from one person to the next and expectations and empathy should be adjusted accordingly.  

In the book, Pushing Back on Perfectionism: How to Be Happily Imperfect, Dr. Jessica Pryor recommends the following to help people address maladaptive perfectionism. 

1. Remember: Perfectionism is an “absolute illusion,” which is fed by a lifetime of distorted messages that perfection is possible.

2. Break goals into bite-size pieces to make things more manageable and as a reminder to celebrate each accomplishment, no matter how small.

3. Interrupt the self-critical voice in your head and replace it with a positive statement or redirection to more constructive thinking.

4. Do something positive for yourself like pausing when you’re stressed out and embracing relaxing practices.

5. Use a mantra that provides positive reinforcement that you are enough.

6. Recognize it may be in your genes—a fact supported by research and which can inhibit the self-blame game.

7. Reach out to a professional to get the help you need.

8. Stick with therapy, especially and even when it’s time to get real.

9. Recognize that you are modeling behavior for others and help those who are watching you to adopt these healthy strategies, too.

https://www.rtor.org/2019/10/14/how-to-navigate-college-and-combat-unhealthy-perfectionism/

I have a daughter who is 6 and is in Kindergarten this year.  At our first parent teacher conference, her teacher indicated that our daughter has a difficult time if her art or her assignments aren’t perfect.  I had an inkling that they were going to say something to the matter because at home, at any point that her art didn’t turn out the way she wanted it to, she would get frustrated, throw it away and want to start over.  Her teacher also said that my daughter always asked for the teacher to spell words for her on her assignments, whereas her teacher wanted her to sound out her words and spell herself, even if it ended up being spelled wrong. For the teacher, it was more about teaching the process of trying to sound it out, making mistakes and learning from it. I would be completely lying if I didn’t say that I understood this.  I remember re-writing pages of notes in college, not because it helped me with recall, but because my handwriting didn’t look good.  

In order for her to learn, we had to force her into the discomfort of making artistic and spelling mistakes and then learning from it.  We had to force her into the discomfort of “coloring over” a mistake in her art or finishing her artwork even if it wasn’t perfect, because if perfection is her only goal, we were setting her up for an eternal sense of inadequacy.  

I know that something must have sunk in, because only a few weeks ago, my husband, daughter and I were all in our basement, when my husband accidentally spilled a half gallon of white paint all over the floor, wall and pretty much anything in the vicinity.  One particular victim of this spill was a black storage bag that held some old posters, art, etc.  It initially startled, then frustrated me, but then my daughter told my husband that it was okay that he did that because her teacher says that mistakes are beautiful and she noted that the bag looked much more beautiful with the white paint on it.  I’m not sure that I entirely agreed with her, but it was a great opportunity for her to see that mistakes are indeed, okay, necessary and further taught us that we shouldn’t strive for perfection.  

I want students to be able to evaluate their lives and their goals from a realistic lens.  From a lens that allows them to balance the benefits of achievement but the necessity of imperfection. What is worth it and what isn’t.  I want them to recognize their strengths, but at the same time, acknowledge and accept that they too, have areas of growth.  I want them to be able to compliment themselves and others for successes and to understand that success isn’t always a competition.  Be happy for the success of others, have empathy for those who are imperfect and  lastly, understand that imperfections are a part of humanity.  Be forgiving of yourself and others and move on.  Don’t dwell in imperfections and render yourself paralyzed from growth and future success.  

The following is a short list of questions to help you identify if you struggle with perfectionism. If you have any further interest in the more extensive Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale, you can reference the website listed below.    

• Do you worry about what others will think if they saw who you really are?

• Do you feel as though the better you do, the better you are expected to do?

• Do you put off starting or finishing projects, wanting to get them just right?

• Do you find that you are never satisfied with your accomplishments?

• Does your family/partner expect you to be perfect?

• Do you push people away in order to avoid rejection?

• Do you feel that something only counts if it’s done perfectly?

• Does failure raise your expectations of yourself even higher?

• Do you “collect” your failures and mistakes in a mental archive?

• Do you feel that others are too demanding of you?

• Are you highly self-critical?

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/18/well/family/more-college-students-seem-to-be-majoring-in-perfectionism.html

Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale: 

https://www.idrlabs.com/multidimensional-perfectionism/test.php

This is 40

A friend recently asked me how I felt about turning 40. She should have known better, because this particular friend knows how I can turn a simple question into a long, drug out story...and eventual blog post.

So, in true Carrie Bradshaw fashion, “I couldn’t help but wonder”…How DO I feel about turning 40?  Lucky for my friend, she was almost to work and she didn’t have to hear my entire thought process on the subject.  I did get the chance to ask her the same question, as she is turning 40 later this year.  I, admittedly, was jealous of her ability to respond to the same question with total confidence that 40 was truly, nothing but a number and nothing to be worried about.  She was exactly where she felt she needed to be.  

I reflect back to when I turned 30.  I was married 6 months prior to my lovely husband, Ben.  I celebrated at a small Seattle dive bar, called the Zoo Bar with said friend I just referenced as well as a number of other great friends who graciously played along with my request that all guests had to wear animal print.  I mean, it was the Zoo Bar, after all.   I had no reservations about turning 30, because I was, seemingly, where I felt that I needed to be.  Living it up and loving life. 

I reflect back to when I turned 21.  Well, maybe, let’s not go there.  :) 

So here I am, at the cusp of 40.  Over the hill, as they say, as if to insinuate, it’s all downhill from here.  Maybe that is why I’m having some reservations on what should be a momentous birthday.    

I was in a texting thread with a few of my college friends just the other night and it’s funny to think about how our conversations have changed over the years. We discussed the presence of “jowls,” the amount of money we now spend on “anti-aging cream,” how any level of physical activity requires pre and post ibuprofen and how we (mostly me) now has to color every other month to “manage the grey.” I've had the frightening realization that the days of diaper changing will soon be a thing of the past and the days of needing to wear one is, seemingly, in my not so distant future.

I am now at an age of watching reboots of shows that I watched when they originally came out and one of the toughest Jagged Little Pills to swallow is that 90’s music is now considered “oldies.” The interesting thing about turning 40 is that physically, I feel all of my 40 years, but mentally, I’m just not there, because 40 is old and I’m not old, right? 

If I am to be truly honest with myself , I recognize that my 40th birthday reservations come from a place of understanding that many of life’s special moments are behind me.  Most notably my youth, my high school and college years, my life in the city, my wedding, and the birth of all of my children.  All of those moments are now in the rear view.  

But, as my friend pointed out, we are where we need to be. Yes, turning 40 has really made me think about what I have and haven’t accomplished and although I’m proud of that which I’ve done, there is a lot left on my TO DO list. And... if I’m going to accomplish those things, I’d better put on my mom jeans and sensible flats, grab a drink and a Tide Pen, because I’m certain to spill either my coffee or wine on myself in the process.  I need to think about all that’s left to do, because life isn’t over at 40.   

With age, I’ve learned, that there are so many things I can’t do anymore, like somersaults.  (I actually tried one the other day with my two year old and I hurt my neck.)  I can't drink all night and function the next day. I can't jump on a trampoline without an accident. I can't eat whatever I want and think that heartburn won't be an issue.

But, there are also things I can do now that I couldn't do in my youth, like pay my bills or understand what a deductible is. Manage a job, a home and a family. Care more deeply for others than myself. I’m doing my best to embrace the changes and new stages of adulthood.  I mean, 40 is the new 30 right? 

In the 10 years since celebrating my 30th at the Zoo Bar, I’ve been blessed with the most beautiful family that I could have ever imagined.  I may not have married Gavin Rossdale and that's okay. Ben has continued to love and thankfully, put up with me. I've got some pretty sweet gal pals that don't hold back when discussing the nitty gritty of aging gracefully, or maybe I should say, (dis)gracefully.  

I certainly don't have it all, but I have everything I need and that is exactly where I need to be.

The Elf-less on the Shelf-less

There are some age old traditions that embody the Christmas season.  For some, it’s baking Christmas cookies and for others, it’s putting together the family Christmas card.  More recently for many, a new tradition has made its way into the annual Christmas tradition list and that new tradition is…..  

The Elf on the Shelf.  

This cute little elf that creepily, er..I mean, magically, makes its way into your home, watches your children’s every move and monitors whether or not their behavior is appropriate enough to warrant a gift from the Big Guy in Red.  If not, that cute little elf will tattle on your children and ensure that they will not be allowed the age old tradition of receiving a gift on Christmas morning.  The irony in all this, is that this cute little elf is often mischievous in it’s own right and is found every single morning in a new location and always doing something cute and clever.  

My 8 year old son feels that our family is missing out because we don’t have an elf in our home.  Being the Grinch that I am, I told him that I didn’t want him to behave solely to appease the uninvited little visitor from the North Pole that hides out in houses December 1st-24th.  I wanted him to behave because it is the right thing to do and that I expected it out of him.  He told me that he knew it wasn’t a “real elf” and that he wanted one because all of his friends had one and it would be a fun thing to wake up to in the morning.  

I mean, if all of his friends have one, then that absolutely means that we have to get one right and by all means, please tell me how I can make your mornings more fun? (Insert Sarcasm)

I’m not caving on this one.  To all the amazing parents out there that have adapted this new, energy sucking tradition, my elf hats off to you.  

Here is why I am not going to do this.  

As if Christmas isn’t already stressful enough, you want me to come up with clever ideas, on the daily, of how and where to put this little velvety monster?  I feel like I barely have enough time to go to the bathroom.  

And really?!?! My son wants something fun to wake up to? How about playing with the gobs of toys that are sitting in his room and playroom that see, maybe a minute, of playing time a year.  

I swear, this is just one more thing to do besides buying all the gifts, wrapping all the gifts, decorating for the holiday, preparing for the holidays and all around ensuring that this season is magical for everyone besides you.   

So, to those that have an elf, I commend you and your efforts.  And...to the actual elf, a big middle finger to you and thanks, but no thanks. I don’t need any help knowing that my children are misbehaving.  

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from The Elf-less of the Shelf-less, Hammer Family.  

Back To School: Mental Health & COVID-19

As my children have returned to school, I’ve struggled with how to talk to them about the

mental health issues related to COVID-19. How much is too much information?  How much is

not enough? I often wonder if my children are sick of hearing discussions about “feelings” or

more specifically, the mental health impact of COVID-19. Consequently though, limiting the

discussions, limiting the conversation and avoiding the obvious implications of this virus, is an

even worse method of “dealing with it.”  I’m cautious not to minimize their experience, but yet,  if I focus all of my attention on the negative...the anxieties, the challenges or the grief, I allow my children to stay in a place of negativity, which I fear, turns into a mindset of victimization.  Why me? Why is my experience ruined?  I can’t do that. I have to find another way.  

An issue that I often struggle with as a parent is...what level of mental/emotional or even physical discomfort do I need to allow my children to work through for themselves in order for them to feel as though they are independently coping on their own.  If I eliminate all discomfort, they become unable to tolerate it, but consequently, I don’t want to overwhelm them with discomfort.  What is the right balance? 

Most importantly, I want my children to know that I hear them.  I know that it doesn’t make it better to say that we are all struggling, but there is a sense of communal comradery that can occur when everyone within that community can share in that same experience.  Being able to identify with the struggles of others is advantageous to being a more empathetic person.  I want my children to be empathized with, but also want them to be able to empathize with others.   

So, how do we, as parents, “deal with” our emotional response to our children amidst the COVID-19 pandemic that has rapidly spiraled out of control? 

1. We thoughtfully examine what control we DO have in our own lives.  How can we (to the best of our ability) control the decisions that we make in our own life.  What truths can we tell ourselves that will help us to manage the emotional response we have.  

If I were to allow my control to be completely externalized; or outside of myself, to assume that I have  no ability to control what happens to me, my anxiety would be wildly out of control.  We need to realize that there are decisions that we can make on a daily basis that will make us feel more in control of our specific situation.  For example, although we cannot control the community spread of the virus, we can control the measures that we take to manage and mitigate our own risk.  We have choices that we can make that will put us at more or less of a risk.  

What are you telling yourself that is a truth statement versus an assumption made?  Is it a truth statement to say that you will not have a good year or is it an assumption that you’ve made that could possibly dictate your experience?  Be cautious to stay in the mindset of speaking your truths versus believing and acting upon anxious assumptions.  

2. We acknowledge that it will be different, it will be weird and we adjust our expectations accordingly.  To assume it will be “business as usual,” is wrong, but to assume that “everything will be awful” is also wrong.  With such uncertainty, we can’t go into the beginning of the school year with a “this or that” mindset.  Expect that it will be different. It won’t be the same as it was, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s going to be awful.  It will take some adjustment.

3. Balance is KEY!!!  Like any situation, you need to have balance in your life in order to function and extremes in any direction limit a person’s ability to function appropriately.  A swing of the pendulum too far in one direction is the child/parent who is so consumed by anxiety of the virus that they isolate to a point of extreme dysfunction. (Aside, of course, are those isolating out of medical necessity.) However, the pendulum can swing so far in the other direction to the child/parent who is so oblivious to the realities of the virus that they become a risk to themselves and others.  

4. The power of peer/parent culture and observational learning.  I’ve spent a lot of time with my children over the course of the last five months and one thing I’ve learned is the power in observational learning. If my 8 year old son jumps off the couch, pretending to be Spider-man, you can 100% bet that my 2 year old son is right behind him, trying to do the same thing.  

If we, as parents, underscore the importance of making healthy decisions, so will our children. They are in a particularly vulnerable place and are looking for guidance whether they would admit that or not.  They will look to you to see if you downplay the importance of wearing a mask or social distancing.  Peer/parental culture will nearly always win and we, collectively, are depended upon to determine what that culture will be.  

I’m sending my daughter off to Kindergarten this year.  I grieved for her lost Kindergarten experiences and initially, only focused on what she wasn’t getting the opportunity to do.  However, while wallowing in MY own grief, I realized that she wasn’t grieving as much as me.  She didn’t necessarily know any different.  She didn’t know she was going to miss out on eating in big groups in the cafeteria, she didn’t know she was missing out on big school assemblies and she most certainly didn’t know that in years prior, she could have sat with her friends on the bus and not JUST her older brother.  I had to start listening to what she was excited about and not focus solely on my own narrow perspective that was making many inaccurate assumptions about what her experience was going to be. She was incredibly excited about her new dress, her new shoes, her new teacher, learning and spending time with friends.

I hope, for all of our sake, that our children get the opportunity to stay in school and to learn and thrive in their academics and extracurriculars.  We will do the absolute best that we can to have an attitude that fosters hope, but yet, flexibility if need be.  We are strong and resilient and so are our children.